'Variety' selects Lance Ito as new Judge in Michael Jackson's trial

Funny story written by Chief Cheese

Friday, 25 March 2005

image for 'Variety' selects Lance Ito as new Judge in Michael Jackson's trial
Judge Ito answering fan e-mails

Santa Maria-Lance Ito, who rose to fame over 10 years ago as the judge in "The People vs. O.J. Simpson" has been selected by the Editor of ‘Variety' as the new judge in the Michael Jackson trial. The change had been rumored throughout Hollywood for weeks.

"The reality of the situation is this…Judge Rodney Melville is a nice guy. Too nice in fact," said Dick Spotts, of Variety. "We budgeted thousands and thousands of column inches for this story. I don't have to tell you that it isn't working out. It's boring. I can't sell newspapers with this kind of pablum. Rodney had to go. With Lance at the helm now…well, just watch. Just watch what happens now."

Ito's meteoric rise is famous throughout the world of jurisprudence. After the end of the Simpson trial, though, Ito's star faded. In yet another Spoof exclusive, this writer has been granted an interview with Judge Ito.

Spoof: Judge Ito, your face was well known throughout the TV world during the O-J trial. Yet, after it ended, no one seemed to hear from you again. What do you think happened?
LI: That trial was certainly the most exciting time of my life, and after it was over, I thought I had earned quite a bit of respect from my peers in the law community. I guess my ego may have gotten a bit big though-because after I conquered LA, I decided to head for the Big Apple.
Spoof: New York?
LI: Of course. I thought it would be a piece of cake to just go there and automatically pick up the best trials. But it just didn't click for me.
Spoof: So you rapidly fell in to obscurity.
LI: Yes, I suppose that is the truth. I couldn't find work, and I eventually ended up waiting tables. I had to feed my cats, you know?
Spoof: Was that the darkest period?
LI: Yes, but it wasn't too long before I started at the Night Court. Remember the one Harry Anderson used to preside over?
Spoof: I thought that show was canceled in 1992.
LI: The TV series was. I'm referring to the off-Broadway version of the show.
Spoof: So how will the Jackson trial be different now?
LI: Just the other day Judge Melville said some pictures that were entered in to evidence were "too lurid" to be shown to the jury. That will change. Nothing is too lurid. Juries love that stuff. There will be more witnesses called and they will be good ones. No B players. Thomas Noguchi will be there day one. Remember Kato? He may make a cameo appearance. In fact I can guarantee it. There will be full-time 24-7 coverage-in fact I just signed a deal with Rupert Murdoch for a new satellite TV channel. I have some clout, by the way. I can get you the free installation at $12.95 per month deal since you know me.
Spoof: Sounds like the news is about to get just a bit more exciting! I can hardly wait.
LI: Seriously, that's a good deal. Your price will go up after 6 months, I swear.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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