A Weary Michael Jackson Spills All

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Monday, 4 April 2005

image for A Weary Michael Jackson Spills All
One of Jackson's fetishistic behaviors

Santa Maria, Calif. - Michael Jackson, clearly at his wits end, collapsed into a shrieking, sobbing bundle of tremblingly hurt humanity earlier today as the wall he built between himself and the truth suddenly crumbled.

Witnesses to the event, including this reporter, had never seen anything quite like the scene outside this California courthouse. As Mr. Jackson and his entourage approached the building, his limbs began jerking spasmodically; his face took on a visage of terror and he began pulling away from the bodyguards supporting him on either side.

Once he was free of their grasps, the self-styled King of Pop quickly fell to the ground. He was immediately besieged by a sea of cameras, microphones and reporters pads. "Oh God, it's all true," he wailed. With an apparent confession on the horizon, the assembled media quickly went into overdrive. By the time Mr. Jackson regained his composure, most, if not all, were disappointed.

The "it's" that Mr. Jackson was referring to had nothing to do with the case at hand or with his relationship with young boys at all. Instead the media was treated to a torrent of unexpected and irrelevant confessions. For the record, Michael Jackson made the following admissions while lying on the sidewalk in Santa Maria:

- He loves all things My Little Pony and has begged the company to introduce a male horse so that he can provide the voice

- He finds nothing more relaxing than having his hair brushed and brushed and brushed - preferably by men dressed as law enforcement officers

- He did consciously pattern his signature look on the character of Chimpanzee Zira (played by Kim Hunter) from the 1968 version of "Planet of the Apes"

- He wore the sequined glove to hide the thick hair that had mysteriously appeared on his palm

- He holds himself responsible for the unfortunate death of singer/song writer John Denver, whom Jackson claims flew "into the sunset" after having his romantic advances rebuffed

- He engineered the ill-fated "wardrobe malfunction" that marred his sister Janet's appearance during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show

- He squandered his presidential vote in 2004 by casting his ballot for Admiral John Stockdale

- He secretly savors the limelight that the current trial is providing

Prosecutors approached for comment on Jackson's confessions seemed more confused than anything else. Gordon Auchincloss, one of the prosecutors, expressed disappointment with Jackson's breakdown. "You like to have something relevant come out when this type of thing occurs," said Auchincloss. "Lots of this stuff is interesting, and all of it points to a troubled, troubled mind, but none of it rises to the level of criminal behavior."

Once they were able, Jackson's aides scooped him into their arms and dashed into the courthouse where they cleaned up the shaken singer before bringing him into the courtroom. In the words of one jaded reporter, "just another day in Neverland."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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