SOMEWHERE IN USA (ABSNN) -- Conservative blabbermouth and cad, Glenn Beck, has been diagnosed with "Terminal White Lung," a disease caused primarily by the inhalation of too much chalk dust, say doctors at the Rand Paul Proctological Institute in Ashland, Kentucky.
"For several months now, Mr. Beck has used a chalk board to illustrate his conservative hogwash. We could not understand why, but found out from program interns who cleaned the erasers, that Beck instructed them to collect all of the chalk dust. We fear Mr. Beck has been snorting the chalk dust, and this lead directly to his current condition," said Dr. Francois Dubois, MD, SJ, PTSD.
Earlier, Fox News had to remove the Dry Erase board from the show because Beck kept sniffing the pens. A similar problem affected Rush Limbaugh, sources say.
Erma TheDouche, Beck's third grade art teacher said that Beck has been found snorting Elmer's Glue in the cloak room of his elementary school. "That boy's too stupid to live to 50," Ms. TheDouche said to reporters.
The terminal White Lung diagnosis combined with Black Heart Disease is the primary factor causing Beck's insane rantings on radio and television according to Fox News insiders who did not want to be named in this story.
"I'm conservative; but he's a fucking whack-job," said one blonde Fox anchor. "Now we know why!"
Dr. Dubois also confirmed that Beck was "rabid," and needs to be "put down, humanely, if necessary." Thousands have volunteered for that job.
