While Michelle Obama's attempts to get children at an early age on the right path to good diet and exercise habits is a step in the right direction, it simply is not enough to stem the tide of childhood obesity claims Marine General, Jackson "Jarhead" Johnson. "I mean look at them, fat little piggies stuffing their faces full of ding dongs and freedom fries, sitting in front of a computer screen playing stupid video games all day long. Not exactly getting themselves ready for battle, are they?"
On Johnson's recommendation, President Obama has issued a mandate that beginning next school year season, all schools receiving federal money will install a military program onsite that trains the children to stay trim and fit, while dieticians are on staff to make sure the menus are healthy.
"That's right kids," said Jarhead, "the days of tater tots and macaroni and cheese are history. You namby pamby little rug rats are gonna eat broccoli and Brussels sprouts."
Notices went out this week to parents all over America alerting them to the changes set to take place in the fall of 2010. While most agreed that new exercise and diet guidelines are long overdue in America's schools, they weren't sure putting a drill sergeant in charge of overseeing the program was a wise decision.
Said one parent, "those drill sergeants can come on a little too strong. I'm not sure my little Missy Sue is going to be able to eat her vegetables, and I cringe at the thought of some big, bad soldier telling her things like "eat your green beans, they'll put hair on your chest," and "stop snickering and just eat your damn pea soup."
Said Obama, "Michelle is adamant that her program would work over time, but for all her hard efforts, it's just not taking off the ground like it should, so we're sending in the Marines, literally, to help her out."
In addition to the nutrition program in elementary schools, Marines are also expected to eventually take over the athletics department of all middle and high schools to pick up where the fundamental training in elementary school leaves off. Said Johnson, "Listen up all you kindygartners out there, no more pussyfooting around. We're dead serious about turning you into lean, mean fighting machines to save our sorry asses in future wars. So get your butts moving now. Do you understand me, soldiers?"
