Condoleezza Rice Beats Hillary Clinton in Mock Election

Written by Phil Maggitti

Sunday, 13 February 2005


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Condoleezza Rice talks smack.

WASHINGTON - If the next presidential election were held today, the United States would be waking up with its first black woman president who had been abducted by aliens. This according to the results of the Weekly World News' Election 2008, which declared the sizzling secretary of state the winner by a 61-to-39 margin over her Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. The election, conducted in supermarket checkout lines across the United States, has a double-coupon margin of error.

"Hillary was simply no match for Condi," said the News' election editor, Biff Scuzzy. "The secretary of state's trip to the planet Ronco put her over the top easily. When she whipped out those photos during the third debate that she had taken at the intergalactic amusement park, the voters forgot all about the cannibalism rumors and her brief fling with Rudy Giuliani."

According to Scuzzy, president-elect Rice's choice of Ronald Reagan as a running mate was "also frickin' brilliant. I mean, who knew he was still alive? Not even our reporters had dug that one up."

Clinton, to her credit, did not go easily into that strange night. "Picking up coins with the cellulite in her thighs was awesome," said Scuzzy, "but it was too little too late. Not even bursting into flames during her final rally could save her. I have to admit, though, I was impressed with her idea of having Domino's pizza deliver the mail."

Clinton's biggest mistake, said Scuzzy, was her support of self-sex marriage. "Getting cloned and running as her own vice presidential candidate seemed like a great idea at first," he said, "but marrying herself and then kissing herself in public turned off a lot of voters in the red states."

The Weekly World News' election dissection showed Rice running strongest in virtually every key demographic group: people with appliances on their front porches, single mothers for whom stomach stapling is a fashion statement, and men with hair transplants on their backs. The only group that tilted significantly toward Clinton was people who believe their social security numbers predict their futures.

In related news, Smithsonian magazine declared yesterday that the lamb with a human face born to a family in India's poorest province "is probably a human with a lamb's body."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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