Marriage Terrorist for Hire

Written by P.M. Wortham

Friday, 23 April 2010

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"Honey, I swear I'm not a gay prostitute"

A New York mother who had engaged in terrorist like activity in an attempt to break up her son's impending nuptials, has announced that she will be turning pro next month.

Real estate developer and overbearing mom, Lia Joseph, had done her level best to stop the marriage of her 34 year old son to someone she described as a "gold digger". Though she may have failed in stopping the actual wedding, she won acclaim for her skill in terrorizing the bride and her family, including pre-heart surgery hospital calls to the bride's father just to remind him that his daughter was a slimebag.

Receiving calls for her services already, Joseph will be marketing a series of wedding busting services, ranging from common annoyance activities and pestering communications to full out engagement war.

Sales agent for Joseph, Anita Moralz, tells reporters, "We are in the process of developing a series of black ops services, designed to discredit whichever party we are paid to discredit. It will be rousing fun, actually." Some of the planned premium services would include:

  • Graphic editing to add the victim's face to strip club photographs
  • Doctored receipts for the purchases of illicit pornographic materials
  • Phony love letters from a fictitious old boy/girl friend (Gay boy/girl friend extra)
  • Various monogrammed latex and battery operated novelties left in precarious locations
  • Farm animals in lace panties positioned on victim's front lawn

"If those activities don't work, we are also working on a way to storm the church in a last ditch attempt to stop the vows", says Moralz. "I think flyers that depict either the bride or groom as a homosexual prostitute or a cheap crack whore should do the trick".

The newly named company "Wedding Canners", will be open for disgruntled and Freudian obsessive parents of the soon to be bride or groom, in three weeks.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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