Written by Jerry Cornelium

Saturday, 9 July 2005

image for Bush Orders All Payments to Satirists Halted!
No more government money to satirists ...

WASHINGTON, DC --- Hoping to forestall another scandal involving government payouts to the media, President George W. Bush today announced a halt to all payments to satirists. A recent congressional investigation revealed the White House was playing both sides of the fence. And while conservative columnists such as Armstrong Williams and Marie Gallagher received sums of several hundred thousand dollars each, it was liberal satirists who took the lion's share of big government bucks!

Senator Doyle Robertson (D - West Virginia) said the motivation behind this seemingly nonsensical plan was name recognition, especially around election time.

"We're talking millions, not just a few hundred thousand. Did you ever wonder why all the Kerry jokes were just lame and mean-spirited while the Bush jokes were real side splitters?" he said, smirking. "Even comics that were supposed to be on our payroll sold out to Bush. I am talking about people like Al Franken."

As an example, Doyle cited Franken's Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. The book topped the New York Times Bestseller list for weeks, receiving extensive coverage on conservative television programs, such as FoxNews's The O'Reilly Factor.

Bush stated that hiring liberal satirists was the brainchild of Ari Fleischer, "our former Press Secretary, as I'd like to point out."

He further said, "We've all had a few good laughs at my expense. But laughter is good for the soul. That means it's good for freedom and democracy. But now, times are more serious. And that means we have to get serious, especially in the fight against tyranny."

WASHINGTON -- President George Bush said he expected all of his cabinet members to get serious, as well, exhorting them to stop all payments to satirists. He also proposed the introduction of a new bill in addition to his "Anti Propaganda Bill of 2005". He proposed that the title of his new bill be "The 2005 No Money for Funny Bill."

The announcement came as a great shock to many lesser known, independent satirists, for whom federal dollars have been a major source of income. But major players, such as Al Franken, are not worried.

"Well, I can always go back to writing for Saturday Night Live," he said. "But my good friend Bill O'Reilly approached me with a very good proposal, a new FoxNews program called O'Reilly vs. Franken, where he delivers his daily ‘Talking Points Memo,' and I tear it down with a few witty remarks."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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