Written by Felix Minderbinder

Saturday, 25 June 2005

image for To Hell With Energy Efficiency, Let's Party! Say Bush, Cheney
Bush calls for a return of those big fin cars

WASHINGTON, DC-American President George W. Bush has officially condemned energy efficiency and energy conservation as a way of revitalizing the U.S. economy, even as oil prices reach new highs.

In a White House statement, Bush said, "I deeply resent all those tree hugging, do-gooder commie wackos who want us to increase car fuel economy, and save energy. That is simply not the American Way. We must, and I repeat must, continue our grand tradition of profligate energy waste."

VP Dick Cheney echoed the sentiments, urging Americans to turn up the heat in their homes in the winter, and crank up their air conditioning in the summer to waste as much electricity as possible.

"Come on, people," Cheney said, "I want more oil wars, so you'd better burn as much oil and waste as much energy as possible to make those wars worthwhile. American soldiers are dying to get you foreign oil, so you'd better use it up!"

Environmentalists such as Amory Lovins of Colorado's Rocky Mountain Institute have repeatedly pointed out that the U.S. could easily end all foreign oil imports by adopting simple and cheap energy efficiency measures.

Yet such advice has been dismissed by ExxonMobil and the other oil companies which advise Bush and Cheney. Instead, Bush ordered, "Thus, by the Executive Authority invested in the Presidential Office, I am hereby ordering that 1). All vehicles in Detroit will modify their engines in new vehicles to ensure that NO cars, SUVs or trucks have a fuel economy of greater than 5 miles per gallon. All vehicles getting more than 5 miles per gallon will immediately be junked. 50 mpg cars are simply obscene. No more foreign vehicles will be imported into the U.S. or built here unless they meet this new exacting standard. Hey, let's revive all those great 1940s-1950s American cars with those great big fins that didn't do anything. Most Americans were spawned in the back seat of those beauties anyway."

Bush also mandated in his second executive order that household appliances like air conditioners, refrigerators, and water heaters will be retooled to waste as much electricity as possible.

Bush then ordered the immediate construction of 150,000 coal-fired power stations, to maximize releases of carbon dioxide and give a big boost to global warming and climate change.

Bush commented that the CO2 and other greenhouse gases released from excessive U.S. energy waste are making climate change and global warming progress "very satisfactorily."

"I and my advisors predict that most southern U.S. states will be turned into deserts, and U.S. agriculture will be completely wiped out by 2025," he noted. "We'll get rid of all those nasty glaciers, too. This should wipe out a lot of Democrats from malaria and other tropical diseases as an added benefit. So let's burn that energy! Let's go to war for oil, and let's party!" he urged.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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