Written by Jen LBS

Monday, 3 January 2005

DETROIT, MI - Not since the days when Colman Young was mayor, the Detroit Tigers were a respectable Major League Baseball team and Chevy Chase was considered "funny" has the city of Detroit seen a day with fewer than 60 homicides. However, on January 2nd, 2005 that is exactly what happened.
With a record low 21 murders on the second day of the year, city leaders were swelling with pride over what they deem to be a monumental accomplishment.

While Sociologist at the local community college credit the low number of deaths on pure luck, others in the community are convinced otherwise. "I believe that the Lord is the reason for this wonderful news" said lifelong Detroit resident and mother of 12 Tashandra Jones. "The Lord and the fact that I have put my foot down and now only allow my children to have two guns apiece while they are living under my roof". "I believe that rather than spending their hard earned money on drugs and bullets, the murderers were spending their cash on their children. At least, that's what I'd like to believe. Just thinking about that amount of parental support brings a tear to my eye" said Rufus Briskie, owner of Rufus Redneck Guns, Ammo & Gas Station in Taylor.

Meanwhile, the leaders of the city's bustling illegal drug industry are worried about what the low number of deaths on Jan. 2nd means for the economy. "I guess it's good that more people weren't kilt, but knowing that the city's illegal drug deficit has been rising with people losing their jobs due to failing mandatory drug tests and such, there will be a lot of crack dealers and hitmen who will only be able to afford a partially loaded luxury Cadalliac SUV" cried Joe Murphy, a long time Detroit area crack dealer.

In other news, the city's tourism board already has plans to exploit the low number of deaths by revealing a new slogan to appear on all travel brochures for the city. "While it is not set in stone, the phrase 'Detroit: maybe we won't kill you if you come here on January 2nd' is what we are leaning towards" said travel agent and tourism board member Sue Zmensko.

The city is planning a parade for January 18th down Woodward Ave.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Baseball, Tigers

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