Trash does Talking for Yankees' Steinbrenner

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Monday, 2 August 2004

image for Trash does Talking for Yankees' Steinbrenner
George Steinbrenner with the notes in question

New York, NY - In a scene that must have been reminiscent of Scarface, New York Yankees' owner George Steinbrenner on Saturday appears to have envisioned an orgy of acquisitions before Major League Baseball's trading deadline. Notes discovered in Mr. Steinbrenner's home trash paint a picture of a man almost out of control.

Below is a selection of quotes taken directly from the scribbled sheets:

"Get Nomar for second, what an infield!! Jeter at short, A-rod at third and Nomar and second, Lucchino will kill himself."

"Need more RBI guys - thinking Rolen, Tejada and Ortiz would be nice; consider threats of $$$ won't work"

"Our rotation sucks - if we can't get Johnson, what about Pedro or Shilling? Why did Cashmen let Clemens go; I should kill that little bastard."

"I have the cash, why not bring the payroll over four hundred million - screw that tax, I want to create misery."

Major League Baseball officials, when told of these musings, expressed no concern. "George and his dreams are George's business," said Baseball commissionaire Bud Selig, "If he has the will and financial wherewithal to pull them off, more power to him. It would be good for the game if he were able to create a truly unstoppable force."

Peter Gammons, of ESPN, was not so sure. "It seems that if Mr. Steinbrenner were allowed to proceed along the lines indicated by these notes, there would be no telling where things would stop. If would create such a competitive imbalance - not just on the field, but in terms of advertising and broadcast revenue - that plenty of teams would simply go under."

Additional notes seem to indicate that Mr. Steinbrenner had an unprecedented level of hegemony in mind as he sat in his home plotting on Saturday afternoon. "Fans deserve the best [illegible] team that money can buy. I have the money and the Yankees are America's team. Anyone that stands in my way is just a [illegible] liberal. I am the Lord of the Rings, look how many of the damn things I got!!"

Yankee's general manager Brian Cashman confirmed that Mr. Steinbrenner was exploring some unconventional ideas prior to the trading deadline but denied he wanted to become tyrannical in any way. "Simply throwing money into a line-up isn't the Yankee way." explained Cashman, "We have prided ourselves on our deep pockets, I mean, strike that please, our deep farm system to keep us number one. And by the way, Little Bastard is a term of endearment."

Mr. Cashman's Freudian slip sums up the attitude of many people involved with Major League Baseball; that the Yankees are an arrogant team that will stop at nothing to win. One final thought from Mr. Steinbrenner's notes: "Screw them is they can't take a joke."

New York Yankees

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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