Lancaster- During a stunning press conference held earlier today, Amish spokesperson, Martha Lapp, unveiled an ambitious and coordinated plan designed to eradicate the Mennonite's modest and simple manner of living in an effort to complicate their lives and debase themselves like the rest of us.
Already, several Amish sects in Pennsylvania have employed a more modern lifestyle and revealed that 32 of the 46 teenage girls residing in their communities are either pregnant or addicted to prescription medication. The other 14 are lagging behind, but most were heard to use salty language several times last week.
"Their enthusiasm is refreshing," said Lapp, global coordinator of the 'Amish Cultural Corruption Campaign'. Of course, we have to be patient, especially with the young people. After years of wholesome living, degradation of this magnitude won't happen overnight."
Enthusiastic reports out of formerly reclusive Amish communities suggest that many Mennonite boys have taken up smoking and drinking, while the men folk have been experimenting with Viagra and Penthouse magazine. "We sent Lars Lapp out for a DVD player and some porno movies," cackled 18 year old Solomon Lapp.
The movement is not without its detractors, however. "This is an abomination," declared Samuel Lapp. "And the worst part is, I'm shunning so many people that all day long I find myself turning my back and turning my back and turning my back. At this point I'm just spinning in a circle all day long. I'm outraged and I'm dizzy."
Still, others have fully embraced the new Amish way. "We're off to a great start," yelled Eli Lapp back to reporters as he sped off with a group of young men in a supped-up horse and buggy. "We're on our way to Hooters!"
"And the best is yet to come!" called out another young Lapp, just before taking a bong hit and hacking up his lungs.
