KENOSHA, Wisconsin - Liz Cheney, the oldest of the two daughters of former acting Vice-President Dick Cheney, recently spoke before the yearly convention of The Professional Cheese Sniffers Coalition of Wisconsin.
Liz, who is sometimes confused with her lesbian sister Mary, has made it clear that she is not gay and that she is married to a man, and that she has five children, including three girls who are not the least bit gay, or who show any signs of having any lesbian tendencies, at least up until the time when this article went to publication.
The elder Cheney chick is 43, and at times she does look 43, while at other times, like when she is yelling, screaming, or throwing one of her patented hissy fits she looks 63.
Liz from all accounts looks like she was cut from the same mold as one of the most infamous GOP split-tail mouthpieces, Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter.
Lizzy, as she likes to be called, like Coulter is a fake blonde, she loves to spew out expletives which would make lumberjacks wince, and she thinks that men consider her to be sexy, when truth be told, most men would rather kiss the uvula of Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Walters, or one of the ugliest women in America Sarah Bernhard.
The former acting Vice-President, who spent about 85 percent of his time while in office hiding out in a bunker, says that he is proud of his daughter.
When asked why he is proud of Mary, he quickly corrects the reporter and says that Mary is the lesbo and Lizzy is the non-lesbo.
He smiles with that crooked lip smile of his and notes that he is not at all proud of his carpet-munching daughter but he respects her right to munch on whatever the hell it is she wants to munch on.
Dick "The Dick" Cheney then shakes his head and states that he does not know where he and his wife went wrong with Mary.
"My wife and I provided her with a normal childhood, we went to McDonald's once a week, we went to amusement parks, we bought her albums and CDs by K.D. Lang, Melissa Etheridge, and even an oldies CD by Dusty Springfield and still she became an XX chromosome lap licker."
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Lang, Etheridge, and Springfield are all lesbians. Perhaps if old man Cheney had bought his daughter albums and CDs by anti-lesbian singers such as Kathie Lee Gifford, Anita Bryant, or Loretta Lynn she might not have drifted off into the land of the pink palace pum pum pounders.]
