The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has finally admitted that the whole anthropogenic global warming thing was a hoax, a simple joke designed to cheer up the world, which, it says, has become, "far too serious lately."
They apparently hired former US almost-president, Al Gore as their spokesman, but the joke backfired on them when Gore swallowed the story hook, line and sinker, believing it was all real. When confronted by the truth of the matter, former US I-really-should-have-been-president, Al Gore said, "You're saying it isn't true? Tell that to the polar bears!" Even when it was pointed out to him that polar bears are unable to understand human language, Gore remained adamant that all wildlife in the arctic knows that global warming is destroying their habitats.
Rajendra Kumar Pachauri, chair of the IPCC, said yesterday that it had been a great ride, but it was now time for the joke to end. He denied allegations that the hoax has been unnecessarily costly for many countries who could ill afford it, and added that the CIA have told him that Himalayan glaciers really will melt by 2035, or 2350 at the latest.
Michael Mann, brandishing a hockey stick, was reported as saying, "It was really easy to hide the decline. You see, we had all the data to ourselves. We could do what we wanted with it. We "lost" the raw data early on, and after that it was make it up as you go along!"
Professor Phil Jones, Director of the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia in Norwich, in England, said, "We certainly had them going! It almost backfired on us when most people didn't know what "anthropogenic" meant. I didn't know either and had to look the word up in my grandson's school dictionary. We started to use the term, "man made" after that when describing how the global warming had come about, but it's really just a crock of shit. I mean, the idea that we could actually affect the weather of the planet - and we fooled millions into believing it too! That's amazing."
The ubiquitous man in the street, when confronted with the news and asked what he thought of it all, said: "Thank fuck for that! Now I can get the SUV out of the garage again and get rid of all those stupid energy saving light bulbs. Give me a bright incandescent light bulb any day, and a mean machine that burns - I mean really burns - gasoline!"
Meanwhile, in downtown Manhattan a certain Mr Footprint, who has the unusual first name of Carbon, died this morning in somewhat unusual circumstances. It is believed that his death was caused by a severe excess of laughter.