Written by Ken Markdale

Thursday, 4 February 2010

image for CRU Reports Arctic Warming Spike
Dickman's outpost in Prince George, British Columbia

CLIMATE SCIENTISTS stationed at remote outposts in Western Canada and in Norway are reporting "dangerous and consistent daytime warming" in the range of 8 to 10 degrees higher than normal announced Professor Cretino Grasso, Director of the CRU (Climatic Research Unit of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change). This new data suggests the potential for rapidly melting ice floes, raised ocean levels and the disappearance of most Arctic ice in less than 5 years.

"Finally, some great news," said the smiling Director. And why is this globally harmful data "great news"? The Professor explained that the CRU is tired of "disaster-doubters" that question their scientific credentials and methods following recent disclosures of lax science and manipulation of data. "This temperature data is sent directly to our headquarters in London by computer managed thermal recorders," said Grasso, "and that means it is solid data."

In an effort to verify these CRU claims, we contacted CRU scientist, Lance Dickman, stationed near Prince George, British Columbia. During our video interview, Dickman was busy frying burgers on his hibachi that sat atop the "computer managed thermal recorder". A quick credentials check showed that "Professor" Dickman received his undergraduate "degree" from the Barbizon School of Modeling and an advanced "degree" in Eastern Mysticism from an online college in Mumbai, India.

Dickman acknowledged that he used his hibachi and a back up barbecue to cook in the mid-day hours every day, "because it's f------ cold in this hell hole, man," adding that the only good thing is that "the iceberg lettuce is, like, really crisp."

Asked if it was appropriate CRU protocol to use hot coals on top of a thermal measuring device, Dickman said he checked with his friend, Havard Odin, in Flekkefjord, Norway, who said that's what he did. Although, according to Dickman, "Havard mostly grills fish, dude." Havard is the other CRU scientist "monitoring" the thermal data station involved in this study.

In a follow up interview with Professor Grasso about how CRU scientists are "credential-checked", he would only say that "it is not easy to find qualified experts to operate remote CRU sites," and further that "these brave scientists should be applauded for their cutting edge contributions to climate research."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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