Schools Urge Expansion of Zero Tolerance Policies

Written by Fuzzy Duffy

Monday, 25 January 2010


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Prominent public education leaders from across the nation called for an across the board expansion in Zero Tolerance policies in public schools today after a two week symposium.

The leaders found the mandatory expulsion and suspension from school of students for various infractions both "improved school spirit and created an atmosphere of fairness."

The leaders recommended the policies should evolve beyond the usual violence related offenses of today and cover areas including "Students getting mouthy," "Exposing obvious shortcomings in teacher and administrative competence," "Telling parents about these some incompetencies," and "Poking fun at poor hairpieces, failed teacher relationships, inconsistent fashion sense, and ad hoc analysis of educators' psychological flaws, no matter how accurate."

"Zero tolerance is the wave of the future not just in American schools, but the nation as a whole," said the nationally recognized leader of the group. "It creates a system of fairness, accountability, and efficiency that is a model for life in a modern post-industrial society. The challenge for educators today is how do we shift Zero Tolerance away from simply violence and drug related infractions and use them more protectively as a tool to create consistent results for both teachers and students."

Up until recently, Zero Tolerance policies have focused only on the worse offenders; students and teachers who flagrantly violate the rules. Expansion of these policies to non-violent offenses will close the gulf between the countless millions of dedicated students and teachers striving to get the most out of the educational experience and the few bad apples who make these policies necessary.

"This isn't about the bad apples," the spokesman insisted, "it's about how do we take the millions of others down to their level."

Word of the leaders' decision met with wide support from all levels of the educations process.

"I cannot think of anything that would make my job easier than more Zero Tolerance policies," said one Iowa school administrator. "There's nothing like just pointing at some mindless, arbitrary policy when some parent wants to know why you are incapable of performing the simplest of tasks or making even a basic logical conclusion. If it was up to me, I'd make parents wanting me to actually do my job a Zero Tolerance policy and send them all to jail."

"Zero Tolerance policies make me feel more like a man," said a Boston area social studies teacher. "When I walk down the halls and see the fear in the eyes of these young men and women that I might be in a bad mood and willing to take it out on their educational futures... It kind of puts a swagger in your step."

"Sometimes these seven hours days can really wear you down," said an algebra teacher from Topeka. "Until now, all I had was every weekend, holiday, and two months in the summer off to keep me going. I mean, what do they expect for $68,000 a year! With Zero Tolerance, all I have to do is sit back, relax, and wait for the students to do something wrong and them summarily punish them for it. And, my busybody colleagues what actually take time with the kids and stuff to find constructive, reinforcing solutions to the problems of growing up will be the ones not doing their jobs. This is how education should be."

An art teacher from Sacramento said Zero Tolerance was less about discipline than it was about fostering personal relationships at home.

"My husband likes to get drunk and slap me around," said the teacher. "Some parents really care about their children and when I suspend one of them for something stupid because my husband didn't come home again it really creates a lot of turmoil at home. It's nice to be able to make others know what it feels like when your husband and sister make little comments about sleeping together right in front of you."

"Zero Tolerance is great because it fosters an atmosphere of respect," praised a shop teacher from Tallahassee. "Hey! I maintained a 'C' average at a college for a few years and took a test to get this job, man. I deserve respect! Now, when I walk around in public, everyone is so worried that I am going to hold their children accountable for the results of our personal interactions that they just about fall all over themselves to give me what I want or have the upper hand in any conversation. It comes in really handy when trying to get an extra discount at the hardware store."

An English teacher from Kanawha City, West Virginia, stated that Zero Tolerance helps direct the educational experience of students in a positive direction.

"Sometimes I get writing assignments back from students that are really amazing," complained the educator. "I mean, what the hell? I ask for 500 damn words on what their stupid family did during their stupid vacation during their stupid summer break. What do I get back? Some damn tome of witty, insightful prose! I am asking for two damn paragraphs about how you did not get eaten by a bear or bit by a rattlesnake, and they turn in something showing the potential skills to earn a Pulitzer? Don't they understand that I am the novelist, not them? My book is a work of art and will be published LONG before theirs. They are not good writers, I am! Good luck getting into a good college, where you can develop these obvious skills, with a discipline expulsion on your record... And, trust me, I will make it my personal responsibility the entrance committee will know about it."

"I hope expanded Zero Tolerance policies make students see me as more of an authority figure and want to have sex with me," said a Spanish teacher from North White Plains, New York. "I don't know if Zero Tolerance will do anything about lowering the age of consent, but it sure could make it freaky when I go to get a lap dance from one of my former students at the strip club."

The spokesman for the Framingham committee declined to answer questions regarding whether the imposition of draconian discipline policies had a negative impact on the development of students both intellectually and psychologically since these questions allegedly "violate the Separation of Church and State."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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