Florida Solves Ballot Problem, Will Go with Show of Hands

Funny story written by zooguy

Tuesday, 5 October 2004

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Tallahassee, FL -

The Florida Department of Elections released the recommendations of its Voting Methods Commission today. This year's Florida elections will be conducted by a show of hands.

The Commission's in-depth two page report (ten point, single-spaced) lists the findings in detail. Commission Vice-Chair John Van Ostrand stated in an impromptu press conference during his lunch hour at Chic-Filet that the cost to replace the current mechanized voting system was just too much.

"Hey, if you haven't noticed, we just had three hurricanes, Ok? I don't have a roof on my house and you want me to go out and spend $27 million on some voting machines that get used one day a year? What have you been smokin'?"

He furthered that a show of hands is much easier to manage than dealing with hanging chads or getting the courts involved.

"We interviewed like 15 or 16 people; mostly senior citizens and disabled persons - you know, a real cross section of the population. We asked them if they would rather vote using some complicated machine with lots buttons, loud sirens and a video screen, or just raise their hand. Everybody said they'd just rather raise their hand and be done with it. The people have spoken. Now let me eat my combo meal before my fries get cold."

The Commission's recommendations were met with praise by the advocacy group Citizens for Spending Money on Things We Actually Need. President Bud Williams addressed a packed house at the group's bi-weekly meeting saying their hard work is starting to pay off.

"It's about time Tallahassee listened to what we have to say!" Williams roared. "Now we can use that money for stuff this state REALLY needs like more theme parks and orange groves."

Governor Jeb Bush, brother of President George Bush, met the findings with optimism. "This is so simple. We can use our voting officials and volunteers to count people's hands at places like restaurants, high school football games, and gay bars. All they have to do is say ‘who votes for Bush? who votes for Kerry?' We can just go to Staples and pick up some legal pads, some pens and maybe a few calculators. The whole thing will cost like $200 bucks. It'll be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel."

He told Floridians to "just be sure you don't stick your hand up twice. Then we'd have to start all over. So don't go and ruin it for the rest of us."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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