Mount St Helens Relocated To Florida

Funny story written by Rebut

Monday, 4 October 2004

image for Mount St Helens Relocated To Florida
...and then we moved it to Florida.....

American authorities were facing a race against the clock in their audacious bid, to transfer Mount St Helens to Florida before it erupted. With earthquakes and other nasties already underway, geological survey scientists believed there was no time to lose. One scientist said that Florida is 'clearly beyond salvage and the feeling was that they won't even notice this volcano'.

Leading vulcanologist Dr Spock said that it was all a question of mind over matter. They didn't mind and Florida didn't matter. He is currently in an FBI witness protection program.

Early on in the process Mount St Helens became very agitated, giving rise to scares that she would blow. Scientists right on top of the vulcano were unable to peer over the top. Fortunately Senator John Kerry was a short helicopter flight away. A mirror was fitted to his chin allowing a cursory inspection.

The news was not good - everything was set for the old girl to blow. Scientists immediately reacted by calling for extra-heavy load vehicles to converge on the site. Immediately the arduos task of loading a spitting, angry St Helens on board began.

The old girl was not happy at all about being moved from her home. She played up the entire journey to Florida and was dumped unceremoniusly by drivers muttering about ingratitude.

Having been dumped, the angry vulcano surveyed her new surroundings. She was not best pleased : This place was no good at all, it was so stuffed, she thought, that if I didn't know better I'd think it had been hit by 4 Hurricanes. It was damp, cold and messy which was no good at all.

In order to lose some of the damp she shook a small earthquake and yawned a bit of ash. The locals went apeshit : "Aaaaaarrrggghhhh Vulcanoooo", which considering nobody had told Florida about the transfer must have seemed odd to some of the locals.

One local mayor assumed the old 'when in doubt..attack' approach and immediately addressed his constituency : "People, it would seem to me that once more we are being overrun by young drug addicts with no more right to live than the cockroach crawling in your sink. Having weathered 4 Hurricanes I'll be damned if these cocaine snorting scum will spoil my day......."

Which was the cue for Mount St Helens to blow off a good head of steam......and erupt with all of her, not inconsiderable might. Put it this way South Florida is a new province of Colombia.

The good people of Florida were not amused when they learned that Washington had sanctioned moving this "bitch" to Florida. They threatened to breakaway and form the Republic of Florida.....withdraw 'their' troops from Iraq...get their own guys for airport security...find their own nail clippers......

Washington realising that they might have been a tiny bit insensitive sent a goodwill ambassador : Donald Rumsfeld. He was just the peacemaker the situation demanded. He explained to the Florida media :

"Hell, I don't know!! We spoke to George Tenet our former CIA goat and asked him what the sitrep on Florida looked like. He told us that 4 Hurricanes had visited mass destruction on the area. That Florida was cold, dark, damp and gloomy. Having spoken to George we asked ourselves what better way to light a fire under Florida than......"

If that's not bad enough an outbreak of kidnapping in Colombia, of former South Florida residents, promises to use up a goodly amount of Federal aid earmarked for rebuilding the State.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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