Gloria Estefan cancels farewell tour

Funny story written by Robin Berger

Tuesday, 14 September 2004

image for Gloria Estefan cancels farewell tour
Gloria Estefan poses with her IT staff in an undated photo

Miami, Florida -- Singer Gloria Estefan announced the cancellation of her farewell concert tour shortly after installing Microsoft Windows XP Service Pack 2. "We discovered our 'Miami Sound Machine' software is incompatible with the new service pack," manager/husband Emilio Estefan said during a press conference.

According to the Estefans' IT manager, Marcus "Muerto" Cubana, Microsoft technicians had recommended Service Pack 2 as a fix for computer glitches which have plagued the "Live and Re-Wrapped Tour" from its beginning. When asked if the farewell concerts could go on without the service pack, Cubana admitted "it is not possible to uninstall an 80 megabyte security patch. This was an all-or-nothing gamble, and we lost."

The canceled concerts include venues in Boston, Albany, New York City, and Miami. Fans who purchased tickets for any upcoming shows should request a refund. A fan club contest for backstage passes to Estefan's final concert has also been canceled.

Estefan vented her anger at Microsoft during the press conference. "Bill Gates is the reason why I can't perform one last time at Madison Square Garden or the Pepsi Center in Albany." Her husband added, "Maybe we should call it the 'Re-Wrapped Tour Cancelled,' sponsored by Microsoft."

Microsoft company spokesman Jim Desler expressed deep sorrow over the tour's demise. "In the Seattle area, Gloria Estefan is revered as the world's most popular Latin female crossover artist." Referring to other crossovers such as Shakira and Chayanne, Desler said "they're hussies compared to Gloria."

Microsoft technicians warned Estefan's IT team that Windows XP Service Pack 2 is incompatible with hundreds of software applications. "We even broke the ubiquitous NMAP program," Desler revealed. "Ms. Estefan's software is just one more thing we'll add to our list."

This is not the first time Estefan has canceled a concert due to a computer malfunction. An August 9th show in Dallas, Texas was called off at the last minute when a "computer crash" affected the use of flash pots and other incendiary devices.

Sources close to Estefan, who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed the Dallas show was canceled because "she didn't want to burst into flame like Michael Jackson and (Metallica singer) James Hetfield once did."

In related news, the "Hotel Cardozo" owned by the Estefans could not take reservations after Windows XP Service Pack 2 was installed. Four desk clerks and 19 maids have been temporarily laid off.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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