KANSAS CITY - The video of the woman caught thrashing the McDonald's Restaurant food counter in Kansas City because her cheeseburger was missing the cheese has resulted in an arrest being made.
Alfalfa Trotterfunk manager of the restaurant stated that it is his understanding that the video has been viewed on the Internet close to three billion times.
He noted that the only two people who have not seen the amazing video are Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Bob Thornton and that is because neither one owns a computer.
The FBI had asked that anyone recognizing the angry-as-hell woman in the video call their Kansas City office at once.
Within 20 minutes they received seven different calls who said that the woman in the video was definitely Nacelle Lushman, a 19-year-old pep squad alternate member who graduated last year from Kansas City's Ike and Tina Turner High School.
Nacelle, as the video clearly shows, is one great big angry temperamental mama who has a temper that makes Bobby Knight, Woody Hayes, and Ron Artest look like tooth fairies.
Miss Lushman, said she stands 5 foot 2, weighs 379, and she added that her vital measurements are 48-48-68. Nacelle is still insisting that she did not thrash the restaurant because at the time she was out in the restaurant parking lot with her boyfriend, the married Udelius Van Vitty, 47, in the backseat of his 1973 Cadillac where Udelius was (blankin) her twice.
When FBI agent in charge Winthrop Pittatuck, told her that the video clearly shows that it is definitely her, Nacelle shook her head and said, "It tain't me. I don't even likes Big Macs, quarter pounders with cheese, McNuggets, or dem old little bitty McRib sandwiches."
Agent Pittatuck said that they had sent the original video to their FBI headquarters video lab in Quantico, Virginia, where the tape had been blown up to 25 times its size and that it was most definitely her down to the tiny little hairs sticking out of her chin, her ears, her nose, and the mole on her tongue.
Nacelle again insisted that it is not her. She said that she was allergic to drive-thru type food and that when she eats it she breaks out in splotches that make her look like a great, big, gigantic spool of black string.
She shook her head and again said, "It just tisn't me. Hell ev'yone can see dat da woman in da video is one big old fat-looking cow. And besides you would never catch me wearing anything but designer Wal-Mart clothes, shoes, insecticide, underknickers, and shit."
She then asked Agent Pittatuck point blank, "Say, Mr. Pitkentucky I wants ju tu tells me. What da hell eber happun to da white folk saying dat some still be sayin' all da time abouts how we alls looks a like huh?"
In a related story. Condoleezza Rice has just said that her 16th book should be in the bookstores this weekend. It is a culinary beverage mystery set in California's Napa Valley, entitled 'Rice Wine.'
