Man Enters Sweepstakes, Winds Up On Sex Offender Registry

Funny story written by Stuart Florwood

Saturday, 28 November 2009


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Jim Donahue and wife, Patricia.

November 27, 2009- Local resident Jim Donahue was shocked to discover that he had been added to the National Sex Offender Registry after he entered a popular magazine sweepstakes Saturday.

"I was picking which magazines I wanted to subscribe to and when I saw 'Playkidz' I thought it would be perfect for my grandchildren," said Donahue, 68, seemingly unaware that he had picked a fake periodical used by law enforcement to tag would-be sex offenders.

Law enforcement has recently ramped up efforts to nab perverts after an escalation of kidnappings and complaints of molestation in the area. Last month, police stations across the country teamed up with magazine distributors to strategically place dubious magazines on sweepstakes ads, hoping to lure culprits before their abominable acts are performed. "Have you seen that show, To Catch A Predator? It's kinda like that without all the Hollywood and, well, without all the evidence," Said Sgt. Dewayne Bradford, "But when it comes to sickos like this, who needs evidence in the first place."

Polly Livermore, an attorney that works at the registry, said nearly all of the ninety degenerates that have been added to the database this month have "been within four years of another in age and all have had the same alibi. It makes you wonder if there is some underground network of grandpa-pedophiles that have organized to feed on the innocence of young children. They seem all sweet and wholesome one minute and the next they're at a public park with their hand in some toddler's pants."

Although no formal charges have been made, Donahue's name, address, and photograph will be made permanently available on the database for his friends, family, and neighbors to ridicule.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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