DJ Jazzy Jeff Leaves San Francisco Valet Pantless at Curbside

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 21 November 2009

image for DJ Jazzy Jeff Leaves San Francisco Valet Pantless at Curbside
Townes would rather have skipped meeting valet who set record for worst job performance.

SAN FRANCISCO, California - When Jeffrey Townes sped away from San Francisco's Clift-Tenderloin Hotel in his Escalade this morning, he left the valet who had just delivered his vehicle standing bewildered in front of the hotel with no pants, according to a doorman.

"That guy's a total dipshit," said the doorman, shaking his head as he watched the valet scamper back to the garage, dressed all in black save for his white briefs and bare legs. "I told him, be cool, it's DJ Jazzy Jeff - I don't think he even knows how to be cool."

Apparently having mistaken Townes for Will Smith (the two performed as DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince early in their careers), the valet told Townes, "Yo, I seen all your movies, man. 'You are the greatest!' You are legend!"

Later, fumbling as he scuffed and marred the rear of the Escalade with Townes luggage, he had said with a chuckle, "Sorry 'bout that, bruh. Didn't mean to 'get jiggy' with your baggage."

"And if that wasn't enough," recalled the doorman, "the guy was still nice enough to give him a seven-dollar tip. So he stands there and counts the money right there in front of him and he goes, 'Seven dollars? I only paid $6.99 for you guys' cassette back in the 80's! Way to give back to the fans! They should call you 'DJ Cash Money.' Pssh!!"

Townes' look of irritation became one of confusion, transformed as he scratched his head at that one.

Perplexed, he climbed into his vehicle as the valet turned his pockets inside out to show him. "See? I ain't made diddly squat today! You just made a big fan. You have yourself a great day, Mr. Smiff!"

Townes frowned as he started the Escalade, pulling his door shut with a loud slam - unaware he had just closed it on one of the valet's empty pockets.

He hit the gas and, as he sped away, the threadbare thrift store slacks gave way with a loud rip, waving in the wind as Townes left town.

"Hey, come back here with my pants, mother-fucker!" screamed the valet. "Hey!!"

"That's a bad boy," he said to the snickering doorman, gesturing at the departing vehicle, "messin' with a fellow man in black like that."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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