WASHINGTON DC - Emergency declared. Swine flu is not killing as much as hoped, according to my confidential source at the GAO, General Accounting Office. The millions of dollars spent sequencing the virus from the recovered 1918 samples will not be recovered as expected. Social Security will not be able to reap the windfall profits that were anticipated.
Even the vaccination program is not spreading the disease fast enough to make a difference. People are eating bettor diets which is foiling the virus and making for a rough future for Social Security.
The FDA is calling for increased aspartame use to offset the dearth of deaths from swine flu. Daylight savings time will also be extended in hopes of more fatal early morning traffic accidents.
UPDATE: Due to the shortage of corpses, as an economic stimulus package, the dead will now be imported from other countries.
