On October 29 and 30 [2009], Washington D.C. TV station WJLA showed real live women's breasts complete with nasty nipples in two public service news segments about breast self-examinations.
Immediately the Concerned Women of America did its own self-examination. Spokeswoman Rendy Right, after adjusting her girdle, stated, "This is just nasty. If they're going to show those N-things, they should use a Barbie doll."
When informed that America's favorite size -4 doll doesn't have nipples, Ms. Right responded, "You don't read your Bible enough."
Also weighing in was former President of the Parents Television Council, Burnt Bozo XVI. "WJLA is one of those hippy liberal pinko commie stations," he proclaimed. "Did you see those news anchors on it? I'd really like to use the N-word here."
"Nipples?" we asked. Mr. Bozo turned crimson, so we didn't pursue that. Instead, we asked how many members the PTC had.
"There's me, Timmy, and Sammy. The rest are either sheep or parrots, depending on which version of unintelligent design you force on kids. Speaking of having designs, I'd like to introduce you to Governor, I mean Senator, Sam Brownshirt."
The Senator was explaining how many children had been harmed by the WJLA broadcasts. "Millions," he noted, "have been warped forever, especially innocent teenage girls who now know they have n*pples."
We asked what was wrong with that. "I thought we nipped that one with Janet Jackson. If this continues, kids might get the wrong idea that they have bodies and women are human. Jesus loves me and told me in his impeccable midwestern accent that in Iraq we must win for the future of America."
We then turned to someone wearing a dozen "Ask me" buttons. It was Dr. James Dopeson, founder of Focus on the Family. He was delivering his response to the WJLA broadcasts. "I didn't see them, because Jesus loves me and told me in his impeccable southern accent that they're pornographic and I should call Ed Meese. We believe in family values."
We inquired what those were. "You've heard of NIMBY?" he continued. "We're HIMBY: homophobic, ignorant, misogynist, bigoted, and yelling. That last is how we get our message out to our patriots. They're too busy thumpin' Bibles to hear anything less."
To conclude, we found a WJLA representative and wondered if the station deliberately released the two news segments in the 'sweeps' rating period. "No, we didn't," noted the rep, who asked that her face and name not be revealed. "And we're looking ahead now to a segment on testicular cancer for Christmas time. We're so good to turn to and we're on your side!"
