Los Angeles,Ca. Defcon 3 Alert - A 16 year old Mexican-American high school student was arrested today and charged with launching a 'deadly missile' during a low speed encounter on the Los Angeles Freeway with a student from a rival gang.
Roberto 'Tu Madre' Salazar was pulled over at gun point by LA SWAT team members after he allegedly launched a fully loaded Burrito at MS 13 Gang Member, Tito 'AK" Puto-Lopez-Chingadera after a 'low rider' confrontation involving ' ground hugging' bragging rights between 2 highly modified 1979 Chevrolet Caprice 4-door sedans.
According to Salazar, he was busily adjusting the air shocks on his ride when he saw Puto-Lopez-Chingadera pull up alongside him, and point the muzzle of a fully automatic AK-47 in the direction of his vehicle.
Salazar, unarmed at the time since he had a warranty recall on his Glock after a well know Sports Figure had the gun go off in his shorts for no apparent reason, hurled a recently purchased, and still steaming Burrito at his perceived assailant, and then sped off.
A vigilant LA Motor Cycle Cop, monitoring cell phone use by drivers, seeing the attack, immediately notified SWAT, and Salazar was quickly apprehended.
When taken into custody the attacker, according to the arrest report, " had the remnants of the missile on and about his person. Hot sauce stains were noted on his shirt, there were shreds of lettuce still between his incisors, and a Jalapeno Residue Test administered on the Suspect's Hands verified that he had recently been in contact with 'something hot'. Further investigation also revealed that the Suspect was Right Handed, confirming eye witness accounts taken at the scene.
A lawyer for Salazar said he expected his client to be released 'immediately, if not sooner', as the alleged victim has reportedly left the country to avoid arrest on outstanding warrants for 'animal cruelty, murder for hire, illegal possession and sale of heroin, amphetamines, and Viagra, avoidance of child support, and failure to register as a sex offender.' A police spokesman said
"we think he went back to Mexico...but we're not sure, he could have fled to Texas where he has a vacation home."
Said Salazar about being caught with an unregistered 'loaded' Burrito, "Leeesen, Meeester, I hate throwin away good food....but a man's gotta do what a man's goota do...it was self defense!"
Salazar is a mid field striker for his Barrio Team, The Chupacabras. His coach said he could be " suspended for up to 7 minutes" in the up coming game against "The Salinas Dead Heads", a vocational agricultural team.
