Written by Rebut

Wednesday, 28 July 2004

image for Kerry's Stump Speech In Print.
"Oh shit!!"

Democratic Presidential nomination Senator John Kerry has requested us to print his entire stump speech, It is one of the classic pieces of our time and we trust readers will not snigger.

"My fellow Americans whenever I am asked about abortion, health care or religion I have to admit to being stumped. In fact I get stumped more often than we would like to admit."

"But what does a stump speech mean to me? Could my advisors and speechwriters stop waiving at me while I'm speaking.....It means a man in Vietnam who has had his leg shot off in order to get an early ticket home."

"It means the remains of a tree which has been chopped down by some unfeeling Republican with little regard for dogs and tree lovers. IF ANY OTHER DEMOCRATIC ADVISOR WAVES AT ME I WALK!!! Where was I? A stump is the remains of the day, it's the glint in a child's eye when he finds out that his dog has been run over."

"But standing here in Boston tonight, my friends and family by my side I have to come clean and say that a stump is the balance of an amputation which let's face it is not so good."

"Is this what we want for our soldiers in Iraq? Hell I've been to Iraq and thrown away the medals. It was an honest mistake I never realised they were for the soldiers. Anyhow if they're like me they'd have thrown them away anyway."

"Will I bring the boys home? They can sit and spin until I get a short note telling me that they are sorry about those things they said about me and Her Ketchupship."

"My mission, my calling so to speak, if I am elected the president of this wonderful country, is to create a stump, to amputate the gangreen and the impurities that hold us back. Is that a little rash? No Bill Clinton's the only one who has had a little rash. Fortunately they acted quickly ; now it's a stump."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: John Kerry, Senator

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