Russia's Richest Man Buys The New Jersey Nets

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 25 September 2009

image for Russia's Richest Man Buys The New Jersey Nets
Mikhail Prokhorov's granddaughter Svetlana Borysko playing in a charity burro basketball game in Moscow.

MOSCOW - The richest man in Russia, Mikhail Prokhorov has just informed The Moscow Morning Comrade that he will be purchasing The New Jersey Nets of the NBA.

Prokhorov (which is pronounced Mon-ey) is listed in National Geographic as The Richest Man in the Entire History of Russia. He is worth $9.5 billion.

Comrade Mickey P, as he is called by his very close friends, made his money in the diet Russian Dressing industry. He also owns a franchise of 52 gambling casinos named The Russian Roulette.

NBA Commissioner David Stern said that he is thrilled beyond belief at the new non-American owner. Terms of the sale have not been released, but a quick call to Larry King was made and we now know that the purchase price is $200 million.

Prokhorov was asked what his plans for his newly-acquired NBA team are. He replied that he and his brother Nikolai, who will be the team's new general manager, will initially be focusing on acquiring some of the league's Russian players.

Nikolai Prokhorov disclosed that he is presently in negotiations with the Utah Jazz to acquire Andrei Kirilenko.

He also sent an email to Cleveland Cavaliers director of trades Trixie Pewterside about the possibility of getting 7 foot 3 inch, 260 pound Zydrunas Ilgauskas in a trade for either 7 footer Yi Jianlian of China or Mexico's Eduardo Najera or perhaps both.

Mikhail Prokhorov has already stated that he will injecting a sense of Russian pride throughout the Nets season.

He has a Russian flag giveaway promotion scheduled for the team's opening home game. He said that for Halloween he is planning on giving away Vladimir Putin masks.

And for the Nets Thanksgiving Day game they will be giving out, to the first 10,000 fans, bottles of Diet Russian Salad Dressing.

When Prokhorov is asked if he has any long range plans to perhaps one day move the Nets to Moscow, he smiles and says "neyt, nyet, nyet" (no, no, no).

He then pauses for a moment, takes a drink from his Vodka Collins and says, "You know, now that you mention it my little friend, The Moscow Nyets does have a rather nice ring to it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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