Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

image for Plaxico Burress' Next Pass Receptions Will Be In Prison
Sandy Burgundini, 17, holding a Gaston Glock She Was Just 17 Commemorative Handgun, like the one Burress shot himself with.

NEW YORK CITY - Plaxico Burress the New York Giants receiver who caught the winning touchdown in the 2008 Super Bowl has just been sentenced to two years in prison and so his next football receptions will be in New York state's Sing Sing Prison.

The 32-year-old Burress was convicted of having a concealed weapon without having a license to carry a concealed weapon. He told the arresting officer that he was planning on getting a concealed weapon license first thing in the morning.

Plaxico and ex-Giants punter Anton Peersaletto were sitting at a table at New York City's trendy Hey Youse Fella Lounge when his gun, a special Gaston Glock 17 edition known as The She Was Just 17 Commemorative Handgun, somehow slid down his pants leg and accidentally went off hitting him in the left ear lobe.

The bullet then ricocheted off of a condom dispensing machine hitting him in his right elbow passing through his unfunny bone and then ending up embedded in his lap, about two inches away from Plaxico Jr.

Anton quickly called for the bill, he put it on his VISA Card, along with a $10 tip and drove Plaxico to the nearest hospital which just happened to be The Y.A. Tittle Screen Pass Hospital.

Burress was fitted with an artificial ear lobe. He received nine stitches to his unfunny bone, and his lap injury was coated with an anabolic steroid, and since he is no longer playing football it doesn't really matter anymore.

Two days later he was escorted out of the hospital by two of New York City's finest, officers Fabrizio Pancetta, 31, and Carmine Ganoochi, 24.

During his trail, Burress told the presiding judge Creighton "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" Fairhope, 86, that the Gaston Glock She Was Just 17 Commemorative Handgun was not his. He said that when he went to the restroom and was using the urinal someone had secretly put it in his pants without his knowledge.

The judge looked at him and replied, "Is that a fact? And guess what I have in my pants right now Mr. Burress?"

"What that be judge?" Plaxico curiously asked.

"I have a 3 by 5 photo of a little crock filled with #2, which is exactly what you are giving me right now. That's it bub, I sentence you to two years in The New York State Prison System, game over, the clock has expired, run the credits."

SIDENOTE: So Plaxico Burress the NFL superstar will go from making millions of dollars on the football field to making hundreds of license plates in the slammer. The warden of Sing Sing Prison Roscoe Graycliff, is already telling his guards that they are going to have the best prison football team on the East Coast.

[WRITER'S NOTE: In The World of Irony Department, it is noted that the gun that Burress shot himself with a Gaston Glock She Was Just 17 Commemorative Handgun includes the number 17, which is the jersey number that Burress wore when he played for The New York Giants.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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