Oakland, CA - The Chargers beat the Raiders tonight by tossing a midget holding a football far over the defensive line, who then landed on his feet and crossed the goal line after a short run, on short legs. The coach of the Raiders was available after the game for this interview.
The dour coach of the Raiders is seeking a new short end receiver who will be small enough to hide behind the ball. "I want our quarterback to be able to throw him with a good spiral," the coach of the Raiders quipped. "We are looking to draft a preschool student; one that is small for his age. We might even consider a female.
"We'd like them to be able to run between the legs of the defensive players, just like that little Charger midget does. Also, we plan to inflate the ball with hydrogen to make it easier for our little player to carry."
New Rule Shakes Up the Game
This unconventional strategy comes on the heels of a recent rule change by the NFL. Last season, the league introduced the 'Aerial Player Maneuver' rule, which allows a team to throw a player holding the football over the defensive line. If the thrown player lands on their feet within bounds and maintains control of the ball, they can continue to advance the ball towards the goal line. This rule was initially proposed as a way to add excitement to the game, but few expected teams to take it to such literal extremes, catapulting diminutive players into the spotlight.
Day-Care Centers Become Scouting Hotspots
As teams scramble to find players who can exploit this new rule, scouts have turned their attention to an unlikely place: day-care centers across the country. These scouts are on the hunt for exceptionally small children who could be groomed into future 'projectile players.' At Sunny Days Daycare in Oakland, scouts have become a regular presence, armed with measuring tapes and notepads. "We're looking for kids who are small enough to be easily throwable but have the coordination to land on their feet and sprint," said one scout, who wished to remain anonymous. "It's a rare combination, but we're determined to find the next star."
The influx of scouts has caused quite a stir. "It's chaos here," complained daycare director Mrs. Jenkins. "We have scouts trying to measure the kids during story time, and parents are getting calls about football scholarships before their children can even tie their shoes." Meanwhile, some children are already embracing the possibility of a future in football. Little Timmy, age 4, was seen practicing his 'being thrown' technique with his stuffed animals, dreaming of one day playing in the NFL. As this trend continues, experts predict that teams will invest heavily in playground surveillance and toddler training programs, hoping to secure the smallest and most agile players for their rosters.
