Cola Company Executive Pulls a Fast One on President Obama

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 19 September 2009

image for Cola Company Executive Pulls a Fast One on President Obama
President Obama pauses, considers soda tax to refresh health care funding.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - This week, the results of a study were released concerning public health and the economic benefits of taxing sugar-sweetened beverages.

Research suggests that a tax on sugary soft drinks would provide a virtually unlimited source of revenue to use in the fight against obesity, type II diabetes, and other diseases to which soft drinks have been linked.

Much like users of tobacco presently get gouged at both state and federal levels, big gulpers of sodas, pops and colas may someday face taxes on the very same beverages that help drive the nation's obesity epidemic.

According to a source in Washington, President Obama was considering the idea of taxing soft drinks.

William R.J. Fructose, chief executive of the CaCola Company, called the idea "outrageous," though his company charges more for his products per gallon than even greedy oil companies charge for gasoline.

Soft drinks, it might be noted, are not obtained by complex and expensive processes that involve drilling deep into the Earth's crust and extracting crude soft drinks, nor do they require stringent safety and handling precautions or special equipment due to flammability and toxicity issues.

Soft drinks are made by dissolving sugar in water and adding bubbles.

Building on the incredible profit margin this creates, the CaCola Company has become a dietary staple of the American economy, part of the Dow Jones alongside 29 companies that likely have soda vending machines at their corporate offices.

CaCola's William R.J. Fructose sat down with President Obama in the Oval Office to discuss the proposed tax.

"Can I offer you a beverage?" he asked the President.

"Don't mind if I do," was the reply as Obama gave a polite nod and grabbed one.


[glug, glug, etc.]

Witnesses noted that, as Obama consumed his beverage, his demeanor became more animated as carbon dioxide bubbles expedited reactions, giving him a quick burst of energy.

The two participated in a lively discussion about taxes, soda pop, and the ultimate role of government for a few minutes, until Fructose noted the effects of the sugar rush were beginning to wear off.

"Now," he asked President Obama, "don't you feel just awful... about all those Americans who would have to pay a soda tax on top of everything else?"

"I suppose you're right," said the President dejectedly, holding his head in his hands as he leaned forward, elbows on his desk. "Suddenly, I don't feel nearly as enthusiastic about this idea as I did a few minutes ago. In fact, I think I might even be starting to get a little bit of a headache."

"Here," said Fructose. "Have another one of these."

Obama popped the top and took a long draught. "Thanks! Thanks a lot, Mr. Fructose! I feel better already! This stuff is great, I tell you, just great! I really don't know what I was thinking! Why, just the other day, at least I think it was the other day, no, in fact, I'm sure it was the other day, yes, the other day I was saying to Michelle, 'Michelle!' I said..."

A team of prominent doctors, scientists and policy makers said a tax on sodas could have been a powerful weapon in efforts to incentivize weight reduction and provide funds to offset the $100+ billion spent annually on obesity related illness in the U.S.

The up side is that at least now the President will not have to deal with angry cola drinkers marching up and down the streets of America displaying swastikas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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