AUSTIN - Texas Governor Rick Perry has announced that he will be sending the Texas Rangers down to the Texas-Mexico border town of Laredo.
At first several newspapers were set to report that it was the American Baseball League Texas Rangers.
They believed that the team was going down to Laredo to play in a fundraising exhibition baseball game against The Monterrey Pinatamakers of Mexico's Double A Picante League.
Governor Perry has stated that he is sending the Texas Rangers down to the border due to the tremendous influx of drugs coming into the United States due to the dozens of drug cartels that are openly and rampantly operating in the northern frontier of Mexico.
Newly-elected Laredo Mayor Miguel Ivan Rodriguez, Sr., (no relation to the Texas Rangers catcher) stated that the city of Laredo will gladly welcome both sets of Texas Rangers.
One drug cartel, The Tamaulipas Toros Malos, last year reported a profit of $18.3 billion (with a b) in illegally smuggled drugs not to mention $1.3 billion in counterfeit maracas.
The TTM, which is headed by Nuevo Laredo's Quinceanera Brothers, Fulano, Fernando, Feliciano, and Picadilly incorporates a highly elaborate technical operations system.
This state-of-the-arturo system logistically integrates cylindrical components with an intricately consolidated network of systematized interfacing's and amalgamated micro-circuitry which then intermix with a labyrinth gossamer filament maze.
This maze finally intermerges spontaneously with highly volatile osmosis while illegally using one of the Weather Channel's 300 foot tall towers.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: For a more complete and in depth explanation (including 17 photos) please send a stamped self-addressed envelope to P.O. Box 74319729 in care of P.O. Box 75400301.]
Rodriguez added that Laredo known as The Gateway To Mexico has always been a baseball town. In fact the city boasts in its colorful chamber of commerce brochures that it has more baseball fields, stadiums, and parks than it has avocado warehouses, salsa storage silos, tamale farms, menudo mines, and Mexican Jumping Bean factories.
Laredo is also known as The Batting Glove Capital of The World. It proudly declares that it has a total of three batting glove factories and not one employs any illegal aliens.
Panchito Del La Chingis, night shift supervisor at The La La La Batting Glove Plant, stated that out of the 972 employees, 971 were born in Laredo's Las Sisters of the St. Knuckleball Hospital. Assistant gate guard Chanclitas Chistosas was born up in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
The borderplex city of Laredo also boasts of being the home of the 50,000 square foot Polbo Blanco Pitching Resin Bag Plant in Del Machete Hills.
This plant, which is owned by the Blevins brothers, Tomas and Miguel, supplies pitching resin bags to every Major League Baseball team in both the National League and the American League except for the Houston Astros.
The PBPRBP also ships their product to professional baseball teams in Japan, Chinese Taipei, Iceland, Mexico, and Zimbabwe.
Mayor Rodriguez pointed out that he has an uncle Chuy Rangel who is such an avidly devoted and dedicated baseball fan that he actually was married at home plate during the seventh inning stretch of a ball game back in 1948.
The wedding ceremony took place during a Laredo Apaches vs Corpus Christi Sand Sox game. The Laredo Apaches ended up winning the game 7 to 0 behind the fabulous no hit pitching of Carlitos "The Spitball Kid" Mata, who struck out 27 Sand Sox batters.
Laredo Mayor Rodriguez says that he will gladly welcome Governor Perry's Texas Rangers with open arms just as long as they do not come down to his bordertown acting like they own the place.
He stressed that if they do, then they done went and stepped smack dab in it, because he will order The Laredo Police Department to round up the sh*t kickers and escort them out to the Laredo city limits.
The mayor said that last October a busload of elderly GOP campaign workers had the nerve, gall, and audacity to come into Laredo screaming and hollering "Viva McCain."
Rodriguez still laughs about that one. He said that he had the GOP bus impounded and then he loaded the 37 GOPers on a special one passenger car Union Pacific train and the McClain lovers ended up down in the God-forsaken jungles of Mexico's iguana-infested Yucatan Peninsula.
Laredo is a highly Democratic stronghold. And the mayor pointed out that in the last presidential election Barack Obama received 189,237 votes, Salma Hayek received 217 votes, and John McCain received 3 votes, but two votes were thrown out for some reason or other.
The mayor pointed out that he is proud of the fact that in May of this year, his city totally eliminated crime. And how did he achieve this amazing feat?
Rodriguez said that he instructed his Chief of Police Paquito Consafo to pick up all of the know criminals, arrest them, and put them on a Greyhound bus, and send them up to Juneau, Alaska.
The mayor grins, takes a little drink of his Jose Cuervo Tequila and using a Ricardo Montalban accent says "And sending them all up to Juneau was ju know an effen damn good idea!"
Mayor Rodriguez has already made arrangements to have the 35 Texas Rangers stay at the world-famous Villa Pancho Villa.
The 4-star, 12-stripe luxurious hotel is located on the banks of The Rio Grande River which was named after Pimento Grande of the highly respected Rancho Grande Family.
The Rancho Grande family originally settled in Laredo, Texas from Laredo, China on April 26, 1498.
SIDENOTE: One of the most famous Texas Rangers of all-time is Nolan Ryan. The ex-super star pitcher makes his home in Laredo. Ryan resides in the highly exclusive Pitcher's Mound Estates.
In fact the subdivision is so exclusive that only three families live there, The Nolan Ryan family who reside at 1919 Blazing Fastballs Drive, The Mayor Miguel Ivan Rodriguez, Sr., family who reside at 1954 No Hitter Street, and the Manolito Cilantro family, who reside at 1913 Spit Ball Drive.
The Cilantro family owns seven Mucho Macho Nacho Mexican Restaurants located in the greater Laredo area, with the eighth one to open in late October up in Waterloo, Iowa.
[WRITER'S NOTE: I would like to express my sincerest thanks to my uncle Ruben O. Garcia owner of Ruben O's Casa De Las Lap Dances Bar & Grill for generously having his featured dancer Enchilina Del Queso provide me with those six lap dances free of charge. And yes, I definitely do agree that Enchilina does look a lot like Shakira, but only prettier and with much bigger you-know-what's.
Again, muchas gracias Tio, and lets remember the saying that Las Vegas stole from Laredo, "What happens in Laredo, stays in Laredo.".]