San Francisco Peanut Butter Colonic Alert Elevated to Yellow

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for San Francisco Peanut Butter Colonic Alert Elevated to Yellow
Despite more popular uses, peanut butter best spread on buckwheat toast, served open-faced.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The city of San Francisco has begun mobilizing for an imminent wave of peanut butter enemas on the heels of an article recently published at The Spoof, said P. Ross Tate, a city official.

"San Francisco has a... Oh, I don't know. I guess you could call it a 'reputation,'" he said, "so every time there's a kinky trend, freaks start showing up by the thousands!"

Spoof writer BuckwheatsButt's submission is expected to increase high-pressure peanut butter colonic treatments performed in the city to unprecedented levels, said Tate, which could jam anuses and emergency rooms for weeks.

With the Bay Bridge currently closed for seismic updating, and many having enemas performed at the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert this weekend, tourist traffic has been light, but is expected to rise sharply when the bridge reopens this Wednesday, and spoof readers and writers begin to flock to the city in droves, lining up for smooth and creamy colonics.

At that time, the alert will be elevated to level red.

The BART (Bay Area Rectal Trauma) system has already begun making preparations for the extra traffic, and local drug stores are stocking up on hemorrhoid medications.

San Francisco Police Chief Skippy said, "Even though the department is spread pretty thin, several extra-chunky officers will be on hand for the expected influx, and of course, they will be ready to crack down if things get too sticky."

At that moment, Lieutenant Hershey walked around the corner and bumped into Chief Skippy, dropping his candy bar in the chief's open jar.

"Hey!" said the Chief. "You got chocolate in my peanut butter!!"

This story is a response to: Noted author Mark Lowton hospitalized after peanut butter enema goes wrong!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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