Robert Pattinson Finally Admits To "Vitamingate"

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 5 September 2009


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image for Robert Pattinson Finally Admits To "Vitamingate"
A container of children's vitamins which nearly caused Pattinson to quit Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire.

LONDON - Robert Pattinson, actor, model, singer, and part-time crumpets taster has admitted to BBC's Louella Buckinghamshire that he has been successfully treated for an addiction to vitamin pills.

Pattinson said that he first started taking vitamin pills when he was only six. He said that he had so much energy that for two years he was the tricycle racing champion on his block.

He noted that he could climb a tree quicker than the fastest squirrel in all of London. His best friend Tibby said that Robert once outraced a fire truck and an ambulance. He did however, come in second when he raced a Harley Davidson.

His father once took him swimming to a neighborhood park and the ducks in the duck pond stopped swimming. They all got out of the water and sat around the shore watching Robert swim around.

When Louella asked him who would buy the vitamins for him he replied that it was the family's next door neighbor 97-year-old retired London Bridge painter Winston Quailfire.

Pattinson said that when he turned seven he was trading his lunch money for Flintstone Vitamins. He said that one day his teacher Mrs. Blimey caught him and she made him give the 100-count bottle back to the school nurse.

Robert eventually ended up going to The Charlie Watts School For Habitual Drummers Rehab Center. He said that for the longest time he was confused as heck as to why his parents had sent him to a school for habitual drummers, when one, he did not play the drums and two, he was addicted to children's vitamins.

Years later when Mrs. Pattinson was asked why she had sent her son to the drummer's rehab instead of to a vitamin rehab she replied that she must have written down the wrong phone number.

Robert says that to this day he is scared to death of drums, drumsticks, cymbals, cowbells, and Ringo Starr.

He did say that when he first read in the London newspapers about Vitamingate he realized that he needed to get some professional help.

He called up Amy Winehouse and asked her for the name of a good therapist who could help him kick his addiction to children's vitamins.

She gave him the name of Dr. Ollie Oxford, who has a practice in Ladywell. Winehouse said that he had helped her overcome her addiction to tattoos.

She told Robert that what Dr. Oxford had done was to give her a tattoo on her forehead using cheap ink and a rusted screwdriver.

She said that it worked. But then confessed that she did have to go back a second time, a week later, when she found herself craving a groin region tattoo with Lindsay Lohan's name.

Robert Pattinson ended up having to spend a little over 83,000 pounds [$136,038.76 U.S.] in order to finally get over his addiction to children's vitamins.

Pattinson says that he plans to address the vitamin addiction as well as his obsessive fondness and compulsion for avocado margaritas, green M&M's, and Velcro in an upcoming book entitled The Honest-To-Goodness Honest Truth About My Friggin' Addiction To Children's Vitamins and Other Silly-Ass Things.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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