Kristen Stewart Offers Rob Pattinson a Breath Mint

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for Kristen Stewart Offers Rob Pattinson a Breath Mint
"Hhhhh," said Pattinson, breathing into his cupped palm. "Is it really THAT bad?"

VANCOUVER, B.C. - Kristen Stewart took her offscreen relationship with costar Robert Pattinson one step further today when she supplied the brooding actor with a much-needed breath mint.

The act of kindness took place shortly after Stewart was alerted to Pattinson's presence by the arrival of an all-too-familiar aroma several moments before the actor knocked on her dressing room door holding a bouquet of badly withered roses he'd just purchased across the street.

"Hi, Honey! I'm Home!" joked Pattinson as Stewart recoiled, cringing with each exhaled syllable.

A poll of Pattinson's many acquaintances seems to suggest most have been aware of the star's ongoing problem with chronic halitosis for some time now, but only Stewart cared enough to say something about it.

"Nobody likes to be rude," said the sexy rocker goddess, "but you'd think somebody would have had the common decency to drop a subtle hint by now or something. I mean, it's awful!

"Sometimes, I can barely stand making out with him!" she added.

Editors, too, have had their hands full ridding film footage of the noxious vapors; Pattinson's breath at its worst, they claim, is actually visible.

The halitosis, said Stewart, is likely caused by bacteria on Pattinson's teeth and gums releasing gases, a problem she noted could be easily solved if he would only brush his teeth more often than he brushes his hair.

The American actress reportedly has Pattinson's fleas and ticks under control, though she has not yet called attention to the British heartthrob's stinky feet.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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