Autopsy: Cocaine contributed to Billy Mays' death

Funny story written by Frankie The J

Saturday, 8 August 2009

image for Autopsy: Cocaine contributed to Billy Mays' death
An unidentified television observes one minute of silence for pitchman Billy Mays

TAMPA, Fla. -- Things don't always go better with coke. A Florida coroner says that Infomercial King Billy Mays died of heart disease, and a holy host of other drugs including cocaine according to the autopsy report released Friday by the Hillsbourogh County Medical Examiner's office.

Mays died in June, one of three famous TV and movie personalities to bite the big one in as many days. The other two were Farah Faucet and Michael...uh somebody. He was found dead in his bed by his wife,

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE...

The autospy report "concluded that cocaine use caused or contributed to the development of his heart disease, and thereby contributed to his death."

The Medical Examiner's office said Mays last used cocaine in the few days before his death, but "was not under the influence of the drug when he died." Nothing in the toxicology report indicated the frequency of Mays' cocaine use Hillsborough County spokeswoman Lori Hudson said.

Other drugs found in May's system at the time of his autopsy were therapeutic amounts of hydrocodone, oxycodone and tramadol, as well as anti-anxiety drugs alprazolam and diazepam. However, there was no Diprovan found in his blood or urine, said sources close to the investigation.

It is not yet understood how the manic OxyClean spokesman could feel anything at all with all that crap in his system.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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