Written by victor nicholas

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

image for Billy Mays to be Buried in "Mighty Coffin"
We dispose of the body and return any empties

Orlando - Famed "yell and sell" pitchman Billy Mays will be buried tomorrow in what he hoped to be his latest consumer necessity, the "The Mighty Coffin".

Ironically Billy penned the script for the upcoming commercial for the "Mighty Coffin" just before his untimely death.

The text has been released by the Mays family in memorial to the pitchman stating "That's the way Billy would have wanted it".

"Are you tired of spending too much money on funerals? Renting a hall, buyin finger sandwiches, booze for the relatives who never leave and don't forget the church guy, he needs to eat too. And that's all after you spent alla your money on a casket that you know is only going to be used once. You might as well be burying your money in the ground am I right?"

"Well save your money and do what I plan on doing and beat the high cost of dyin by renting the "Mighty Coffin". That's right I said rent. It's like a time share so now you can afford the finger sandwiches and the church guy too without breakin the bank.

"Here's how it works. The "Mighty Coffin" looks like a Cadillac coffin, solid oak outside with brass handles all around, silk embroidery inside, the works. Not only that but it has a built-in CD player and mini bar so you can say goodbye to expensive hall rental, catering and the church guy too. Goodbye, too bad so sad. We provide a CD with a classy sermon you can play that has gaps in it so you can just fill in the name of your loved one or you can play whatever you want, How Great Though Art, Stairway to Heaven, Cat Scratch Fever, you name it."

"After the service is over we send a truck over to pick up the "Mighty Coffin" and any empty bottles too. We dispose of the body and return the empties so you don't have to do a thing. It's that easy, bingo-bango-boingo."

"Now is that the kind of deal made in heaven or what?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Billy Mays




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