ORANGE GLO, FL - An autopsy report issued Friday by Orange Glo County, Florida, cites Poxy-Kleen inhalation as a primary factor in the death of TV pitchman Bill E. Mayes, who died in June at age 50.
"Mayes died from a heart arrhythmia with the power of active oxygen!! Complicated by hypertensive and arteriosclerotic heart disease!!" said a statement issued by Dr. Leonard Crustowsky, who conducted the autopsy.
It further concluded that Mayes' "rock star lifestyle" contributed to the development of his heart condition, and therefore contributed significantly to his death.
Toxicology tests detected unusually high amounts of Poxy-Kleen in Mayes nasal cavities; however, they also detected breakdown products of cocaine, but not the actual drug, leading Crustowsky to conclude the pitchman had used cocaine recently, and was probably trying to score some more when a crooked drug dealer instead sold him several grams of Poxy-Kleen powder.
The autopsy also found "low concentrations of ethyl alcohol consistent with social consumption of a few beverages," as well as a host of narcotics and prescription drugs that reads like an inventory of Michael Jackson's walk-in medicine cabinet.
"No wonder he had always had an orange glow about him!" said Crustowsky.
He indicated the bearded blowhard may have become addicted to painkillers prescribed to ease lingering pain from the historic laryngeal bypass surgery performed just months ago that had allowed him to control the volume of his pitch for the very first time.
In addition, Crustowsky found evidence of two tranquilizers; commonly prescribed for anxiety and insomnia, he believes Mayes may have taken them to help him deal with the sound of his own voice still echoing in the hallway outside his bedroom door late at night.
"...here's how to order!! ...here's how to order!! ...here's how to order!! ..."
