Obama Heals Wounds With Crappy Beer

Funny story written by Wire Piddle

Thursday, 30 July 2009

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Washington, D.C. - Today, President Obama attempted to heal wounds created by the racial controversy that erupted over an arrest of a Harvard professor, Henry Gates, by a Cambridge policeman, Sgt. James Crowley. The President invited the two adversaries to a 'beer summit' where they could talk about their disagreement and hopefully put it behind them.

"What is most interesting about this summit, however, is not the substance of the discussion, but the style. Each man has chosen a different beer to mull over while the discussions take place. The President has chosen Bud Light, Gates has chosen Red Stripe, and Sgt. Crowley has chosen Blue Moon.

Said beer reviewer, Miles Throat-Warbler, "...well a purist would say that it's fairly apparent that these three, Obama, Gates, and Crowley, get a fail grade when it comes to picking beer."

"President Obama chooses Bud Light, an All-American beer, probably because he wants to be seen as the 'All-American' President, neglecting the fact that Bud Light is basically on par with bats piss as far as a beverage is concerned."

"Professor Gates chooses Red Stripe, a beer that is actually closer to an ale. For this we must give the Professor some credit. He has chosen a heavier beverage, a more manly beverage, but his choice reeks of political opportunism. The beer is popular with the underclasses of Western society - the Jamaican pot smoking, reggae playing rastafarian."

"So Gates still has an axe to grind and uses this brand to grind it right into the face of authority, a kick to the groin if you will, to all those neo-cons and free traders that still can be seen around the haunts frequented by policy makers in Washington. Gates motives are too obvious, so his choice of beer becomes a caricature of the man himself, the weedy lefty liberal Harvard professor trying to make another tiresome assault on those that wield real influence. Pathetic really."

"Of the three of them, I would say Sgt. Crowley's choice, Blue Moon, would rank best. Blue Moon is a Belgian style white beer, more full bodied than the others and certainly with a lot more depth. What it says about Crowley, in contrast to the other two, is that he really drinks beer because it's beer and not because it makes a statement. He's not trying to use beer as a reflection of his personality which is what the advertisers want him to do, the trap that Obama and Gates have fallen into."

"So as far as I'm concerned, Gates and Obama can wallow in their self-absorbed marketing fantasies and swamp water as long as they want."

"Sgt. Crowley comes out the clear winner of the 'Beer Summit'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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