WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a shocking press conference at the White House this morning, underqualified Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Bo Obama - the President's dog, is in fact a confirmed cuban spy. Sources report that the dog has been operating for the Cubans since the late 80s under a variety of aliases - amongst them Black Attack, The Thundercamel, and most recently - Bo Obama.
"I think I speak for the entire administration when I say that this comes as a complete and total shock. He is cuddly beyond belief." said Press Secretary Gibbs, who stood in front of a picture of Bo Obama before the dog had shaved his long Cuban mustache.
Authorities received several anonymous tips in late June that suggested that the extremely cute dog might have been a Cuban operative. CIA agents immediately launched an investigation.
"For quite some time, I truly believed that Bo was [so unbelievably cute and] innocent [looking]." said CIA chief Dan Roman. "We watched this dog's every move, all hours of the day. One day, while Bo was out in the yard, I realized that he was making a strange lifting motion with his back leg repeatedly while shooting a stream of pee onto the lawn. I was able to quickly decipher that these pee streams were some form of morse code." Agents quickly returned the following line of text:
"That was when I knew. We all knew." said Roman.
Authorities confirmed his Cuban spy status by feeding him Empanadas and traditional Cuban Arroz con pollo, both of which he wolfed down whole-heartedly.
"We'd like to thank the anonymous callers who gave us the tip on this - Al Dente, who is a recent Italian immigrant, and a Harry Vaginalover. These men are great Americans and I'm proud to have come in contact with them. They even alerted us to the fact that Prince Albert of the United Kingdom is trapped in a 'can' of some sort. We've alerted British authorities and they're working hard on the case. Let's all pray they find him soon." British police declined to comment.
Bo Obama is currently being held in "doggie gitmo", aka Trisha's Doggy Re-education Camp in Trenton, NJ. The facility came under fire last year after accusations of "begginboarding", the process of taunting a dog by dangling a Beggin' Strip just above its nose for hours at a time in order to get it to talk. (Trisha's denies any involvement.)
The dog is being held in a so "cute-proof" black plastic cell so as not to be seen from the outside. Trisha's fears that if a guard was to see the dog frolicking about the room, a furry cuddle attack might ensue - resulting in the dog's unauthorized release.
"It's standard procedure. Furry cuddle attacks are increasingly prevalent." said an anonymous Trisha's guard who smelled like dog. "We've tried everything from growling to giving it a bath, that dog still hasn't said a word about his Cuban contacts, he hasn't talked at all."
Which proves the point, if dog's were to start ratting, then what would rats do?
[EDIT - nonsensical]
Bo Obama was raised as a pup by Senator Ted "Jabba" Kennedy, and since the revelation, the Senator has come under heavy media fire.
"You know, I think about it every day. Maybe I coddled him a litlmph toof mush" said Senator Jabba in between gigantic mouthfuls of assorted chicken and beef parts. He finished his tall glass of Ranch dressing and continued: "He was a normal dog and I treated him that way. Would I feed him some occasional Guayaba or Ropa vieja? Of course I would, but never a full out Boliche or Platillo Moros y Cristianos! I mean c'mon - I didn't want the dog to be a Cuban spy or something!"
NOTE: please consider donating a dollar to the Save Ted Kennedy's Arteries Foundation as most of their funding has been recently spent on expensive Cuban cuisine. All proceeds will go towards convincing Senator Jabba to use low-fat mayo in his smoothies, and widening the doors in the Kennedy home.
This is the illustrious and semi-famous WritingGuy, signing off.