Poorly Planned Murder/Suicide Leaves One Dead

Funny story written by Anthony M. Harrington

Thursday, 9 July 2009

image for Poorly Planned Murder/Suicide Leaves One Dead
Police deter onlookers outside of Spalding-Nymton Home

Baltimore, MD - The town of Perry Hall, a suburb in Baltimore County, was the scene of a grisly murder/suicide gone horribly wrong.

Police responded to a call from the distressed long-time boyfriend of Ema Nymton, James Spalding, stating that Nymton had been shot and was non-responsive.

First responders to the scene report that Nymton was face down on the floor with a single gun-shot wound to her temple. Spalding, who had been dating the deceased for the past five years reported that the woman had taken her own life and planned to take his as well.

Spalding said, "She went all kinds of crazy. I was sitting there in my recliner watching COPS reruns on Spike TV and she comes in waving a gun. She put the gun to her head and I tried to stop her but she told me to sit still and that I was next."

Officer Marcus Hastings of the Baltimore County Police Department was one of the first uniforms on the scene. "Mr. Spalding was visibly shaken."

According to reports from family and friends of the deceased, Ms. Nymton was frustrated with her boyfriend's lackadaisical attitude towards employment, hygiene, and the taking care of the two pet ferrets that shared the families home.

"She told me she was gonna do it," Nymton's cousin Barbara Rollo recalls. "She said, 'I'm-a kill'im...then I'm-a kill mahself.'"

What happened between the plan and the execution of the incident can only be described as unfortunate.

"She was never a bright woman," Spalding said of his late girlfriend. "She just got confused in the head when it came time to do it."

"My daughter was never good at planning things. Her intent was always well-meant, but sometimes she would just screw it up" Chelsea Nymton said of her departed daughter. "Last year her daddy died and he wished for his remains to be spread across Baltimore. He loved this city. Ema was proud to accommodate, but that girl didn't think that perhaps she should have him cremated first." Chelsea pauses, tears welling in her eyes at the memory. "That was the year that she learned to swing an axe though."

Speaking of her daughters boyfriend, Chelsea holds no ill-feelings toward Mr. Spalding claiming, "He's a good man, we don't hold nothing against him. It's not like we can shun our own blood."

Perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Chelsea announced her daughter's burial will be this weekend at Dulaney Valley Memorial Cemetery followed by a viewing the following Monday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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