After weeks of investigation and research, the identity of the real "Maria," the person whose affections, enticements, and allure felled Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina, has finally been discovered.
According to Interpol's Peccadillo Police, the real "Maria" is actually Jose Manuel Lopez-Garcia, an Argentine gaucho with a pencil-thin mustache, chiseled cheekbones, pouting ruby-red lips, and an "ass that won't quit," added Chief Inspector Horatio Clouseau.
South American friends of Senor Lopez-Vega are ecstatic the gay secret is out. "They have been such a loving couple," said Che Guevara, one-time revolutionary, part-time doorman at the Buenos Aires Great Western. "I just saw them together a couple of weeks ago at the Enchilada Club leaning against the wall, Mark's arms around little Jose, full-on making out."
Meanwhile, Jenny Sanford, the cuckold-wife of the Governor, must face charges in a Federal court that she contracted with Somali pirates to kidnap her philandering hubby. "The drilling I am about to receive will in no way be as intense as the drilling my husband gave to little Jose. The perv," she declared.