Los Angeles, CA - Michael Jackson has narrowly avoided death this week thanks to an experimental surgical procedure, a source at the ULCA Hospital has revealed. Rushed to hospital after a suspected cardiac arrest, singer Jackson was offered a treatment being developed for the super-rich in which his brain was transferred into the body of a ten-year-old boy.
Mr Jackson issued a recorded statement. "I've never been inside a ten year old boy before. Honestly. It feels great. I can't believe it. I can't stop touching myself." Parts of his former body will help other children. "I'd like to be made into the plastic seat on a swing. Hee hee. I can't wait to go to grade school."
"We were able to offer Mr Jackson this procedure due to his extraordinary credit rating," said Doctor Jan Hankl, senior lecturer in fiscal medicine at the prestigious university hospital. "This is due to his back catalogue, which is sure to pick up following this news. Mr Jackson is a very lucky little boy."
The mother of the donor boy, Amanita Muscarina, made a tearful statement. "During my little boy's life we never got to do special things, like go to Fiji or drive a Lexus, but now here I am."
An apology will be printed tomorrow.
