Michael Jackson, once living proof that any poor, young black child can become a rich white woman, has died due to a cardiac arrest (heart attack) in Los Angeles. He was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center.
At the announcement of the death of the King of Pop, young Protestant boys all over California breathed a sigh of relief and removed their reverse chastity belts (Catholic boys were encouraged to keep theirs on).
Jackson, who once admitted that he "wanted to be a Priest when I grow up", will probably be buried in a family plot next to his nose and skin pigmentation, which were mostly removed several years ago.
Former bodyguard William Eugene Riggs was revealed as the famous "Billie Jean" from his early 1980's song (everyone assumed that he was singing about a woman at the time). Riggs said "I'm wiping the tears from my cheeks, knowing that I'll never feel Michael again against my cheeks."
Funeral details will follow.