Sacha Baron Cohen To Star As Clay Aiken

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 12 June 2009

image for Sacha Baron Cohen To Star As Clay Aiken
Sacha Baron Cohen at the age of 2 hiding from the family's pet flamingo.

HOLLYWOOD - Sacha Baron Cohen is definitely in the building. The twisted comic, lately seems to be getting more media attention that even Dick "The Dick" Cheney, who finally after eight years of uttering maybe 114 words as vice-president came out of the vice-presidential (ex)-secret bunker to talk bull droppings.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice put it best when she said that it looks like old Dicky did a Rip Van Winkle hibernation number on the American people.

Rice said that she never really liked Cheney. She figured that maybe it was because of the fact that many times during cabinet meetings in the White House, Cheney would invariably turn to her and say, "Condi hon how about you gettin' your cute little cinnamon buns up and run them into the kitchen and get us white fellas some more coffee."

She said that everyone called him "Double Chin" Cheney behind his back.

Condoleezza said that she always felt uneasy being around him because he just had that 'I'm better than you' attitude about him. Clay and Sacha both agreed with her.

Sacha said that to him Cheney looked like a gray-haired, double-chined pervert.

Clay chimed in and said, "Wow, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black."

"Watch it North Carolina boy. You ain't being politically correct. And you kinda might just be bordering on racism."

"You're right Mr. Double Negative. Let me rephrase that. Wow, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle African-America."

"Much better."


Rice went on to say that Cheney, even more so than Donald Rumsfeld definitely had all the earmarks of a used car salesman.

Rice stated that he was the kind that would say, "Yes ma'am this here 1989 Ford Focus only has 18,000 miles on it, its only had one oil change, and it gets about 73 miles to the gallon in the city. And let me tell you that it is a steal at $19,900."

Sacha (pronounced xy-lo-phone) said that he likes Cheney because he reminds him of an old Nazi that used to live next door to his grandmother, who he said also reminded him of an old Nazi.

He then adds, "and that's probably because my grandma Gretchen Von Berlinmeister was really and truly a Nazi. I know that for a fact because my brother Pucky and I saw her Nazi membership card once while she was in the bathroom counting her blemishes.

Plus the gramster was always talking in German and using words such as stalag, swastica, Volkswagen, sauerkraut, and Claudia Schiffer."

Sacha said that he and Cheney text each other on a daily basis. He stated that Cheney is always asking him to try and find out intimate secrets of a sexual nature regarding President Obama, Vice-President Biden, Lance Bass, Secretary of State Clinton, and Chastity Bono.

He then smiled and said that it was interesting that the Dickster (Cheney) never asks him to look into any sexual intimacies of Senator John Edwards or for that matter his daughter Mary, who is showing signs of male pattern baldness, has a broken biological clock, collects ice sculpture trading cards of naked marionettes, and is openly gay.

When Sacha was asked what convinced him to accept the role of American Idol runnerup Clay Aiken, he replied that basically it was the dollars...three million of 'em.

He replied that it would have been hard (as well as totally stupid) for him to turn down that ridiculous amount of money when all he will have to do is lip-sync, look like a cute little puppy, and say things like "I am not gay," "Ruben Studdard stole the American Idol title," "I really really like girls," and "I hate sewing, crocheting, and papaya margaritas."

Sacha was asked if he had actually ever met Clay Aiken. He thought for a moment and replied that he had. He said that it was at a Ruben Studdard Bashing Festival and Mint Mango Margarita Drink-Off in Pulaski, Tennessee.

He laughed and said, "and if I remember correctly Clay was wearing a cute little lavender hula skirt with a pink T-shirt that read, "Don't Ask Don't Tell - I've Got Hundreds of Shirts Like This To Sell."

The movie titled Making Clay For Fun and Profit will also be starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Ryan Seacrest, Al Roker as Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul as Kara DioGuardi, Kara DioGuardi as Paula Abdul, Joaquin Phoenix as Cloris Leachman, and Chastity Bono as herself/himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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