WASILLA, Alaska - The Wasilla Wilderness Gazette stated that Governor Sarah Palin is tremendously upset with David Letterman for making jokes about her family that she said were way out of line.
The Alaskan governor remarked that the CBS talk show host needs to act his age and not his weinerschnitzel size.
She stated that his remarks about her daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez while at a game in Yankee Stadium were way out of line.
Palin said that the statement by itself was both lewd and crude. And then she added that nothing about the joke made any sense anyway.
She explained, that first of all Bristol is a Mets fan so she would never go to a Yankees game. Secondly, she said that Mr. Alex Rodriguez is a baseball player and Bristol cannot stand baseball players.
The governor then said that Bristol, like her grandmother and all of the older Palin women don't give a tinker's damn about baseball players. She said that they are dyed-in-the-wool Alaskan wilderness women and that they only go for hockey players.
She stated that she guesses that Letterboy (sic) must have forgotten that her ex-future son-in-law Levi Johnston was a hockey player.
She laughed and said that judging by Letterman's front teeth it certainly appears that the host with the utterly ridiculously-looking hair appears to have taken a few hockey puck shots to his mouth.
Palin said that Letterwoman's (sic again) attempt at an apology fell totally flat and that the only three things that are flatter are his monoloque and Keira Knightley's chest.
She then remarked that the Alfred E. Neuman look-a-like would not survive one day out in the Alaskan wilderness.
She added that within three hours there would be so many different kinds of bugs, insects, ticks, and cooties in his underwear that he wouldn't be able to find his you-know-what.
When Letterman heard the remarks that Palin had made he replied that he would hit her if she wasn't a lady. He then thought about it for a moment and said, "Hey, wait a minute, technically I CAN hit her."
He then said that "Snowflake" Sarah knows as much about running a country as Richard Simmons knows about picking up women.
Letterman grinned that patented Letterman grin and said that there is one big difference between Sarah Palin and Sarah Palin imitator Tina Fey.
Tina knows that everything she says (as Palin) is utterly stupid, whereas Palin has no earthly idea at how stupid some of her statements actually are.
David giggled and said, "For example Palin's 'I can see Russia, China, and the Atlantic Ocean from my upstairs bathroom' was wackier than anything that has ever come out of even Kelly Pickler's mouth.
Her remark that Africa is a country in South America caused millions of chuckles in grade schools from Bangor, Maine to Honoulu, Hawaii.
And who could forget her conversation with Paris Hilton when she asked Hilton, "So Paris, tell me were you named after the city or after the plaster?"
Letterman said that he wants for Palin to apologize to him and especially to his band director Paul Shaffer for calling him a musical munchkin who looks like Howdy Dowdy except without the strings.
Palin replied that Letterman can hold his breath waiting for that apology. And then she interjected that sissyboy could kiss her Kodiak keister.
The governor then smiled and offered to take Mr. Lettercarrier on a good old-fashioned Alaskan wilderness macho duel where the two of them go off into the wild with only one person who will act as the referee.
The two contestants will then stand 100 yards from each other. And at the sound of the referee's whistle they will start shooting at each other with their high-powered telescopic BB rifles. The winner is the one who doesn't get shot. If, however, both get shot then the duel is declared a draw.
Letterman reportedly told Palin that he will definitely have to get back to her on that one.
Meanwhile. Reports coming out of South America state that Argentina is planning on invading Costa Rica. President Kiko Sombrero said in an official statement that Argentina needs the bananas.