Republican Jack Ryan Replaced In Race by Bloomington Man

Written by Steepdog1

Sunday, 4 July 2004

image for Republican Jack Ryan Replaced In Race by Bloomington Man
Republican Candidate Brian Steep at a black tie event in 2004

SPRINGFIELD-- Brian Steep, a Bloomington-Normal, Illinois man today announced his bid for the Illinois US Senate seat on the Republican ticket in replacement of former candidate Jack Ryan, who was forced from the race due to a scandal involving ex-wife actress Jeri Ryan.

Steep, who is currently a full time student attending Illinois State University for his second bachelor's degree announced that he was running for the office because he was "Broker than the ten commandments."

"I've got no job. I applied with Blockbuster and with local temp agencies, but I've yet to have any luck. I feel that the U.S. Senate seat would more than pay for my living expenses and five dogsā€¦If they let me have dogs in the Senator's...uh...wherever senators live."

When asked about his lack of political experience, Steep replied, "Well, Arnold Schwarzenneger is the governor of California, and he's an actor. I've done more than 20 community theater productions, that should count for something, right?" Steep also showed no misgivings when asked about his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama. "Barock? Sure, he was okay in 'The Scorpion King' and 'The Rundown,' but I wouldn't really call him an actor."

Steep seemed unconcerned when asked if he believed the Democrats might try to dig up dirt from his past or associate him with the Ryan scandal.
"Nah," said Steep, "I don't think any of my ex-girlfriends remember me, let alone having to worry about them telling people what a freak I am. And yes, I did meet Jeri Ryan once after her win at the 1989 Miss Illinois Pageant. She threw me a smile from across the room that would have melted...something very hard to melt. I often thought that there was a chance for a relationship there, but alas, I was 11."

Republican officials seemed confused when asked about Steep's candidacy, stating, "Who? We've never heard of him."

Democratic officials seemed confused when asked about Steep's candidacy, stating, "Who? We've never heard of him."

Steep campaign advisor Charles Van Horn, when asked about his candidates platform and position on various issues, replied, "Our position is sort of... well, we're kind of standing up straight...that is he's standing up straight, I'm sitting down in sort of a business-like position with my legs crossed."

Besides being unemployed, Steep also runs a website,, which its rare visitors refer to as 'useless.' Steep hopes that a victory would "get my parents off my back about finding a job," and "Impress chicks."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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