The Desperate Housewives Final Finale

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

image for The Desperate Housewives Final Finale
The narrator of Desperate Housewives Brenda Strong, aka Mary Alice Young (photo courtesy of Kobe Bryant)

HOLLYWOOD - Well the 2009 season finale of Desperate Housewives ended without a tornado, earthquake, wildfire, election recall, mudslide, typhoon, Santa Ana windstorm, stimulus package malfunction, or tsunami.

And surprisingly it also did not have a Martian spacecraft hovering down and scooping up the four amigas Gabrielle, Bree, Lynette, and Susan aka Eva, Marcia, Felicity, and Teri.

Desperate Housewives producer Mark Cherrypicker said that the two-hour finale was written by a team of 13 writers including the Tri-Neil Writing Team of Neil Diamond, Neil Sedaka, and Neil Young.

In the finale Gabrielle Soliz (Eva Longoria-Parker) informs her husband Carlos (Antonio Ricardo Chavira) that she is divorcing him and moving to Paris France, with her younger lover Tony Parfait, played by Eva's real-life younger husband, San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker.

Gabby and Tony plan on opening up a restaurant on the Left Bank which they plan on naming The Guacamole Croissant Mexican & French All-Night Diner.

Meanwhile Carlos moves down south to Cuernavaca, Mexico, where because of the swine flu epidemic he is able to purchase a 7,000 acre fighting bull ranch for the amazing price of $200.

He names the ranch The Rancho Charging Ho in honor of his ex-wife Gabby's compulsive obsession with plastic (credit cards).

Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) learns that the reason that she has been eating a dozen pickles and two gallons of ice cream daily is because she is pregnant.

And not just pregnant, but pregnant with octuplets! The next day her husband Tom texts her saying that he is divorcing her. She texts him back.



"Because why???"

Tom then texts her and tells her it's because for the past three years he has always used a condom whenever he entered her playpen.

And now, she's pregnant?...and with octuplets? Tom says that he's history and that "Loose Lynette" can go ahead and marry the babies' father who he believes to be either Carlos, Mike, Orson, or strangely enough possibly even weird-as-hell Dave.

Meanwhile Bree Van de Kamp portrayed by Marcia Cross moves to Fairbanks, Alaska where she opens up a moose mounting shop which she names The We'll Stuff Your Moose While-You-Wait Shop

Teri Hatcher who plays Susan Mayer moves from Wisteria Lane to Sushi Street in Beverly Hills where she meets Ryan Seacrest (the new Dick Clark, just ask him).

The two date and end up moving to West Covina where Ryan gets a job working for radio station WCST The "West Covina Stuffed Tamale."

Brenda Strong, the narrator of Desperate Housewives (see photo above) is hired to do the play-by-play announcing with Vin Scully at the Los Angeles Dodger home games.

And Dave Williams played by Neal McDonough, who has to be one of the weirdest, strangest, and ickiest characters since Uncle Fester on "The Addams Family" moves in with fellow musician Joaquin Phoenix.

The the two hip hop artists end up forming a unique hip hop band which Joaquin names The Colored White Boys Hey Yo Bro MoFo Ho-Doin' Duo Hip-Hopin' Band.

In other news. The T-Shirt Industry of North America has just presented Simon Cowell with its "Best Dressed Man in America" award.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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