ROME - Italian authorities have just reported a national outbreak of Wine Flu. They say that it is the first such outbreak since the dreaded Perry Como Wine Flu Epidemic of 1989.
Noted Italian Wine Flu Expert Giardino Tortellini stated that the early symptom of the Wine Flu is an insatiable craving to listen to Frank Sinatra records.
He added that this is soon followed by the urge to pour Italian Wine on everything from breakfast cereal to baloney sandwiches, and fish sticks to chewing gum.
The next stage is an obsessive desire to say typical Italian phrases such as "Whatsa matter with ju?" "Hey, I got jur linguini right here," and "Does this bus go to Naples?"
Dr. Tortellini said that for some reason his countless research studies have shown that women are three times more likely to get the Wine Flu than are men.
He believes that part of the reason may be due to the fact that men have a much greater tolerance for things of an alcoholic nature, not to mention Italian soccer, Roman numerals, Roman candles, and Ray Romano.
Recent wine studies conducted at the famed Gina Lollobrigida Winery in Manfredonia, Italy have shown that Italian men who are employed as gondoleers are seven times more likley to develop the wine flu as are Italian men who work in Italian Dressing factories, wine cork manufacturing plants, fettucine farms, or jacuzzi repair shops.
The strange finding is that of the more than 6,000 owners of either expensive Alfa Romeo's, Maserati's, Ferrari's, or Lamborghini's not one was found to have any signs of the wine flu whatsoever.
Dr. Tortellini was asked to please explain this amazing phenomenal fact and he answered, "Ita beats the friggin' hell outta me!"
Meanwhile, residents of neighboring France have been told not to eat pizza, pasta, Rice-A-Roni, baloney, Velvetta Cheese, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, or Funyuns Onion Flavored Rings.
They have also been warned not to wear Roman sandals, participate in charity gladiator matches, or listen to Tony Bennett CD's.
The main thing that Dr. Tortellini wants to stress is that there is no reason for the citizens of Italy to panic and to consider moving to France, Switzerland, Tunisia, or Brooklyn like many did during the outbreak of The Perry Como Wine Flu Epidemic of 1989.
In a related story. The makers of Martini & Rossi Wine have just announced that they have just developed a Martini & Rossi Anti Wine Flu Zinfadel Wine.
It will soon be available at most Italian shoe stores, Starbuckino's, Jack-in-The Boxellini's, McDonaldo's, and Long John Silverino's.