How to Make the Perfect Iraqi Turnover

Funny story written by Chuck Terzella

Monday, 28 June 2004

First find the perfect location for your preparation. The country you pick must be rich in oils and potable water, yet oppressed. It should also sit well in it's region in order to gain the greatest strategic placement for later preparations. If you have trouble locating the proper place, why not look in the closet for some of your fathers cast off wars? Old family recipes are sometimes the best. Be warned however, the mixture is complicated and if you're not careful the recipe can turn out to be half baked. Now, let's get started:

The mixture includes the following ingredients:

A large supply of Chemical and Biological leavening agents. These may be real or imagined and are used mostly for coloring.

One Evil Dictator for extra added spice.

A large dose of Paranoia in the form of Terrorist Connections and Training Camps, The World Trade Center, 45 Minutes to Destruction and whatever else you can find on the kitchen shelf.

250,000 American Troops, several thousand Cruise Missiles, Smart Bombs, Tanks, Humvees, etc.. Flack Jackets and ammunition are optional.

Now that you have everything you need here's what to do:

First, get a few willing friends to give you moral support. You really only need one or two to actually help, but since the process of baking can really stink, you're going to get a lot of complaints from the neighbors. Ask for help and permission but be prepared to go it alone. Next, assemble all your missiles, troops, ships and planes in the area you intend to bake.

Mix the country well by bombing in order to separate the government from the social structure, add the troops, pull a statue or two and let simmer in the summer heat without police or electricity. Things will begin at this point to smell bad, but just stay the course.
If you lose a thousand or so troops, don't worry; there's more where that came from.

If the oils don't rise to add the proper flavor, you may have a problem, but it's too late to stop now...just blame the surrounding countries for any recipe failures. After baking for a year or so, flip the country back to it's original owners. Get out of the kitchen as fast as possible.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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