Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 16 April 2009

image for Emerald Ash Borers Loose in Central Park
The Wicked Emerald Ash Borer

Local New York officials apparently misinterpreting a threat warning from two Midwestern state governments,had beefed up police security around Manhattan but more specifically, Central Park.

Police were instructed to be on the "look out" for suspicious characters aligned with the "Emeril Dasch Bore Society", a private Connecticut group of thick-necked men famous for wearing Plaid Deerstalker hats, full length brown rain coats and not much else underneath. Connecticut officials were quickly consulted on the threat.

The modus operandi of the E.D.B.S. would be to sit next to an unsuspecting victim on a city park bench and wax poetic about any nonsensical topic they chose, until the victim was bored enough to get up and walk away. "That is when they pop up off the bench, throw open their coats and wag their goodies for the victim to see." Says Connecticut State Police Chief Reese Istarest. "Bore 'em, then flash 'em. Sick I tell you, just sick."

Head of the E.D.B.S., Claus Yermouth told reporters, "None of our members have ever been convicted of any crime, that I'm willing to admit to. We are just exercising our right to free, monotone, uninteresting speech, but we remain exclusive to the Connecticut area only. New York has a different problem, and it isn't us, though their park benches are quite nice I'm sure."

Hearing the original news report on wire services from New York, Michigan and Ohio governors called New York officials to clarify the threat level and to apparently call them "stupid" in the process. In response to the clarification, the New York Department of Public Works will be closing Central Park to spray for the "Emerald Ash Borer", a tree killing beetle found to be migrating between states. New York spokesman for the Department of Public Works commented simply, "Duh".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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