WASHINGTON, DC - Building on a program initiated by the late Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), the Republican Party announced today a stimulus package promoting sex orgies to save the nation's financially ailing Social Security system.
Long plagued by fewer and fewer new taxpayers entering the system due to declining birth rates, Social Security faces running out of funds by the year 2025. Recognizing the urgent 16-year deadline to save the system, Republicans jumped into action.
In a flash of inspiration just before his untimely death, Sen. Helms realized that if all American women of childbearing age get busy in the sack and get pregnant, the resulting flood of newborns would become patriotic tax-paying citizens just before the Social Security Administration empties its coffers in 2025, barely in time to save the program. Desperately striving to one-up President Obama's "Change" platform, Republicans seized upon this idea of rampant baby-making to solve this critical problem and regain their political clout.
To ensure the timely success of this much needed new baby boom, Republicans have earmarked new stimulus funds to sponsor Orgy Nights every weekend at hotels in cities and towns throughout the land. Wesson Oil, Pfizer's Viagra, and Pampers have joined as eager cosponsors.
Vocal Republican Rush Limbaugh spoke on the subject this morning on his radio program, calling for all able-bodied Americans to "join him and all patriotic Republicans every weekend to get this problem licked."